Unisex keys to a successful relationship

Folks have the tendency to overcomplicate romantic relationships. Everyone’s personality is unique and therefore there are infinite combinations of ways for people to discover they hate each other. The lesson here is not to learn as much about your partner as you can – though you should definitely do that. The lesson isn’t to be selfless and cater to your partner – that’s going to get old really quick. Unconditional love? Nope; that’s not it either. Here’s a statistic for you that is almost certainly mostly true probably: 100% of failed relationships deteriorate because of you. Yes YOU. You’re in your own head too much. You’re being too honest with yourself and your partner. You’re asking too many questions you don’t want the answers to. Just shut up and be in love. Women aren’t from Venus and men aren’t from Mars; we’re both from the same shithole planet. Congruently, we don’t need separate advice on how to conduct ourselves. You may not like the advice that follows; that’s your journey. All I’m telling you is that your mental approach to your relationship is way off. Take notes, boys and girls, and reap the rewards of a happy union.

You’re right 100% of the time

You know that period of time during an argument after you’ve said your piece and your partner is rambling on and gesturing about this and that, even though you’ve clearly defined truth and fact? Let it happen. You don’t have to agree. Shit, you don’t even have to listen. You just have to pretend to listen and pretend to agree. You’re right – you’re always right. You know it and your partner knows it. Do you know how annoying that is to whoever you’re arguing with? Think of someone else for once. Your partner clearly needs a win and your stubborn accuracy is crushing your hopes of happiness. Hear that? Your partner has stopped talking. It’s now time for you to say: “You know what, babe? You’re right. I was trippin and I didn’t see things from your side. Let’s not fight anymore.”

Boom! Success. Pride has no place in your relationship, friend. Be satisfied with the fact that you’ve won the argument (even though it doesn’t seem that way) and made your partner happy in the process.

Don’t be jealous, you’re too attractive for that

Stop that! The accusations you’re throwing around are tacky and unflattering. Yes, your partner is talking to someone of the opposite sex. That person may even be flirting with your boo a little bit. So what?  Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You’re stunning! Like, objectively fantastic to look at. Don’t give that other dude/chick the compliment of your jealousy and don’t sacrifice your own swagger. Jealousy is a very ugly trait and, as we’ve established, ugliness just doesn’t fit your persona. Why, just the other day, that mutual friend we have was like “have you seen our mutual friend lately? If he or she wasn’t with someone I’d be all up on top of that, if you catch my drift.”

Hand to God, that’s how it happened. My point is, you clearly have nothing to worry about. That insecurity you’re expressing is only going to land you in the ‘but’ zone. “My man/woman is great but…” Stay away from the “but” my friend; don’t relinquish your perfection.

They’ve never done that with anyone else and you’re the best at everything

Don’t ask. Just don’t ask the question. You do not want the truth and you do not want to be lied to. Read that last sentence again – there is no win for you on this course. As far as you know that thing your partner did last night was the first ever time your partner has done that. You’ve seen the ex before… how could anyone be inspired to that level of creativity by such a creature? Nah, definitely the first time for that one. Yup, definitely. No point in even asking the question. He/she doesn’t even really like banana pudding like that… And you made that pudding anyway so the whole thing was kind of your idea. Yup, your boo is creative but not as creative as you.

Furthermore, what you did last night was a stroke of genius. No one has ever done that quite like you and no one will ever do it better. Your relationship is solid.

You absolutely didn’t do that… but in case you did: flowers/bacon

We both know that you are innocent of what you’re being accused. You weren’t there, you don’t know, you haven’t seen, it was broken already, etc. 100% not guilty on all charges and your case will hold up in a court of law if necessary – no holes in your story… but just in case you did do it there’s always flowers/bacon.

We’ve already established that you’re always right. Maybe now is the time to just concede victory and move on. Your partner is simple. As flawless as your alibi is, your partner’s simple brain just can’t grasp the complexities of your story. It’s ok, he/she is great at other things. They can’t all be 10s. But, just take this one on the chin for the sake of your long-term happiness. No admission of guilt necessary. Just absorb the barrage of accusations, excuse yourself for a few minutes, and return with your partner’s favorite floral or bacon related item. Your partner will say to his/herself “I knew I was right.” You’ll say to yourself “Glad that’s over” and everything will be right back on track.

Never want to be alone… but if you have to

You are going to miss your partner every time he/she needs to go somewhere without you. Every time. Don’t be shy about saying so. Throw a little mini-tantrum about it, ask how long your partner will be gone, and very mildly protest about the situation – just not so much that your partner has a change of heart. You need your space, after all, but that doesn’t mean your partner needs to know that. Just remember, every time your partner leaves you it’s a minor tragedy…. But if they absolutely have to, do what you need to do to cope. Walk around in your underwear, eat all the ice cream, have your buddies over and, oh, that wine/beer isn’t going to drink itself, now is it? Just remember, when your partner comes home and asks what you were up to: “Nothing. Missing you.” That’s gold.

And my final gift of guidance:

Who’s the boss? (not you)

Who wears the pants in your relationship? If you want it to succeed, then the answer is definitely not you. If anyone ever asks you that question, whether your partner is present or not, the answer is not you. Assume your partner has spies everywhere and that your friends can’t shut their mouths. Between you and I: you run that shit. It’s your world and, ultimately, what you say goes. The awesome/sad thing about it is that your partner truly believes that he/she is in charge. You give your partner just enough wins to create the illusion of dominance but when you really do the math, you’re sitting in the driver’s seat. Don’t be greedy and start demanding credit for it. That’s just dumb. Credit is overrated. You know what’s underrated? Peace and quiet. You’re welcome.

2 thoughts on “Unisex keys to a successful relationship

  1. I respect your argument style. There’s no argument if only one person is talking. That’s my motto. Definitely makes the other person super angry. I find it entertaining. Don’t tell Lauren.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Keys to being a straight, single man | Truth in Jest

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