Keys to being a straight, single man

My fiancé is the best. She truly makes my life exponentially better; so when I tell you that locking that up for the rest of my life is the best decision I’ve ever made, I say so with complete confidence. However, a short time ago I was just like you – lost in the world, trying (with little success) to earn the affections of the ladies. I’d like to be able to tell you that I put all the pieces together in time to parlay these lessons into trip after wonderful trip to poundtown with this lady and that, but alas, many of these lessons were learned after commitments were made. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take these gems and book your own tickets. These are powerful tools so I must strongly advise you to be upfront with your intentions. Be an adult and let your lady of interest know if you’re only looking for a physical relationship. You don’t need that drama; plus some of these gals are crazy and will cut you. You may have read my Unisex keys to a successful relationship – this ain’t that. This one is just for the fellas. In no particular order, here’s my best advice on how to be successfully single.

Be in a relationship

…well, appear to be in a relationship. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the old cliché is actually true: ladies love to flirt with someone who’s not supposed to be flirting back. That’s pretty disturbed if you think about it – toying with your manly impulses like a cat batting around a mouse carcass. Flashing boobage and laughing too much at your stupid jokes and touching you on the arm and whatnot. I digress; it is what it is. But there is a lesson to be learned here. The great Chris Rock once explained how a girlfriend would have you dressing nice and smelling good, so of course you’re more attractive to other ladies, and that’s true. But there’s another aspect to it – your mindset. A truly good and faithful man who’s in a relationship is simply not buying what these ladies are selling, so to speak. Do you know how infuriating that must be after they’ve spent two hours in the mirror, putting themselves together to try to get your attention? What I’m telling you is that there’s no need be out there thirstin’. Be nonchalant, be friendly and, most of all, appear to be completely uninterested in her girly bits. Abracadabra.

Learn a useful skill

Mine is cooking, but handiness with cars or tools works, as does a green thumb or something along those lines. The thought process here is two-fold.

  1. She wants you to be able to do something that she can’t do so she can picture herself having you around and never having to do those things.
  2. She wants to be able to tell her friends about “this great guy who’s super handy” and make terrible suggestive jokes like “he can fix my engine whenever he likes” or some stupid shit.

So, if you’re worthless right now, go take a few classes so you can casually slip into the conversation: “I was installing some cabinets last weekend” and watch her eyes twinkle with delight (lust).

Learn an odd skill

This one is all about being memorable.

Pop quiz: Who wins?

  1. Reasonably attractive guy who’s nice.. he’s aight. He’s cool and everything. – or,
  2. Average looking guy who carves ice sculptures

Ummm… who was that boring-ass first dude again? She doesn’t remember because she’s on her way to your place to check out your chainsaw garage.

Caveat: Really, really good looking dudes are your kryptonite. Can’t really fuck with that at all. Move on – unless your skill is super dope. Otherwise get yourself on Craigslist and find that basket weaving class you’ve been wondering about. Make yourself unforgettable.

Be tall. Be very tall.

I know; it’s unfair. You can’t control your height. I get it. But if you are very tall I want you to be aware of the power you possess. There’s a theory I’ve researched and found to be fairly accurate. I call it ‘The Lighthouse Effect’. It’s pretty simple: in a bar, club or party situation, the more tipsy and uninhibited the ladies become, the less they are looking for the perfect guy and the more they are looking for a beacon – a light in the misty night sea to guide them to safety. Those who know me, know that I’m not always the most engaging person. However, during that special hour of the night when that fourth cocktail is working its magic, it almost never fails. Those lonely travelers navigate unsteadily toward that isolated corner where I’m avoiding human contact, to say some profound shit to me, like: “How tall are you?”

The best part is, this takes no skill whatsoever. Just stand there and let it happen. Legend has it, when executed properly, if one listens to the wind you can faintly hear a young Indian man call: “Light-hoooooouse!”

Ask questions and pretend to listen

The trick is, I actually listen during roughly 35% of the conversations I’m engaged in, just so I can tune out 65%. 10% of the time I offer intelligent opinions or sound advice. And 100% of the time people come to me for a meaningful exchange regarding an important personal matter, they leave satisfied. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told how good of a listener I am and how good my advice is. Whether you’re listening or not, lean in, make eye contact, have a concerned expression on your face, raise an eyebrow every now and then and nod your head yes, intermittently. When there’s a pause, ask a general question and let her continue to purge. Every lady wants a confidant.

Be open, but mysterious… what?

Yes, it’s just as confusing to me as it is to you, but here’s what I’ve learned: a woman wants you to be in touch with your emotions – to know yourself deeply and to be able to share who you are openly and freely with her… but be mysterious. Have an air of secrecy, and intrigue about you. “Maybe he’s a little dangerous” she thinks “maybe I can be his calming influence.” If you’re thinking that doesn’t make sense, you are correct. But it is what it is; that’s your journey. Maybe try this: have a long deep conversation with your lady interest, exploring who you are as a person, then end your self-analysis with the phrase, “that is, until the incident” and walk away. Yeah, that should do it.

Have a puppy

At all times; have a puppy. Carry it everywhere with you. When it grows into a full-grown dog, trade it in for another puppy. Is that immoral? Yes. But you’re working on short-term relationships so you’re used to giving up, and she’s not going to be around long enough to make a connection with that puppy anyway. Get a corgi puppy.

Clean regularly

You stink and your apartment stinks. Seriously, how have you gotten this far in life on your own? It’s sad that I even have to say this but WASH YOURSELF. Shower and shave. Put on some deodorant for God’s sake, maybe some aftershave and body lotion. I’m not a cologne guy but if you might be, spritz a little on, my dude. If not, all that other shit will have you fresh enough – just don’t smell like yourself. You’re gross. And clean up your apartment – especially your bathroom. I’m talking spotless. Nothing will turn a lady off faster than your stinking body and your nasty apartment. Your goal should be to have a lady walk into your place and feel like she can throw her clothes and accessories on any surface and pick them up cleaner than when she dropped them, and to walk out with your scent on her and for that to be a good thing.

One thought on “Keys to being a straight, single man

  1. Pingback: Making new friends as an adult (The Sequel) | Truth in Jest

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