Ormund Plandt was a nobody. Just the night before, he’d laid his head on his nothing pillow, in his unremarkable bedroom, in his crappy house, on the corner of Mundane Ave and Nowhere Ln. This morning, however, he was decidedly somewhere and someone else. Outside his window, where the morning prior he’d observed the usual … Continue reading Bizarre Kingdom: An Entirely Fictional Halloween Special
Why you shouldn’t vote
Allow me to be crystal clear about my personal opinion: EVERYONE WHO IS ELIGIBLE TO VOTE SHOULD VOTE. Vote early, Vote in person, if you can. If you can’t vote in person, mail in your ballot and your vote will be counted – just don’t wait until the last minute. If you have trouble following … Continue reading Why you shouldn’t vote
Racism is Irrational
Racism is terrible. I’m not sure where exactly to start this blog, but that feels pretty solid. If we don’t see eye to eye on that platform, you better buckle in or jump out. Now, obviously, racism takes on many forms, but for the purposes of this discussion, I’m focusing mainly on racism by white … Continue reading Racism is Irrational
Welcome to Scotland: My personal journey to Peatopia
A word of caution: If you struggle with alcohol addiction or are in recovery, the contents of the blog below may be a trigger for you. Please use your best discretion. I love scotch. If you’re like me, reading that sentence conjured images of Ron Burgundy singing his famous jingle. I couldn’t relate when I … Continue reading Welcome to Scotland: My personal journey to Peatopia
The roof is on fire: Why there’s no real debate on climate change
Let me just get this out of the way right now – I am not a climate change expert. I’m an expert on ice cream sandwiches and Seinfeld and awkward conversations and using the word “and” for dramatic effect when I should clearly be using a comma. That’s my journey. My wife, Megan Maltenfort, actually … Continue reading The roof is on fire: Why there’s no real debate on climate change
Humbug: A child’s guide to convincing other children Santa is a hoax
I hear parenting is difficult, what with all the disciplining and mandatory attendance and whatnot. You’ve got a million things to consider and limited brain capacity with which to consider them. Well, I hear you and I’ve decided to offer a public service this Christmas to help lighten your load. Is your kid at about … Continue reading Humbug: A child’s guide to convincing other children Santa is a hoax
Review: Stretchy Denim
The people have spoken. During the first Instagram poll 42% of participants asked me to review stretchy denim, which lost out to a tale of petty revenge. The second resulted in 46% again wanting to hear my thoughts on pliable jeans, but being thwarted by those who preferred I review white chocolate. I know math … Continue reading Review: Stretchy Denim
Review: White Chocolate
Thanks for voting this in as the topic of this installment of True Jest and all that but I’ve got no patience for pleasantries today. Let’s do this. Counsel Bullock rises from the sturdy oak chair, re-positions the documents in front of him to perfect parallel alignment, then unconscionably tosses his ink pen haphazardly upon … Continue reading Review: White Chocolate
Gluttony: A story of wedded bliss and revenge
Y'all petty. Thanks to all who participated in the Instagram poll to choose this topic. I’m delighted that you’re so interested in petty revenge. And now, our feature presentation. We did it! Over one full year into marriage and I feel as lucky as the day my (then) fiance said “yes!” I can still feel … Continue reading Gluttony: A story of wedded bliss and revenge
Letting people in
I know what you think of me. You've read a couple of my blogs already and you’re still in tears with laughter. You think to yourself: “Golly! This guy really knows the score. He’s sharp and witty. He’s probably a delight to be around and, if I had to guess, just a gorgeous sculpture of … Continue reading Letting people in
