Hey, reader! How’s your day? I bet you feel as good as you look. I wanted to start off this review with a glimmer of positivity because, henceforth, none shall materialize.

I seek structure in most things; it’s just my nature. Congruently, prior to writing an article, I invariably create a detailed outline to follow. However, when I sat down to lay the framework for this review I was overcome with frustration. I’d take a bite of cake, a sip of coffee, type the word glitter, then reflexively rage-punch my laptop screen. “Mind your business,” I’d say to confused spectators, but, in truth, I was just as perplexed. I managed to power through a single bullet point before realizing what my instincts were trying to tell me: that’s it, they were saying. There is no more. And so, for the first time, I’d like to share a behind the scenes look at my writing process. My outline:

• Glitter. Is. The. Fucking. Worst.

Yep. Kill yaself, Henry Rushmann, inventor of glitter. Oh?.. Already dead? Fantastic.

A brief history on the invention of glitter:

In early biblical times, when Satan was cast from Heaven, he knew God was that dude and that it was going to take a lot of time and effort to claim the souls of man. In the meantime, he thought, I need to devise a way to subtly punish God’s beloved human creations. Beezlebub pondered for many hours, atop his hellfire throne (toilet). He stood, he wiped, he regarded the tissue with delight. 1934 years after the death of Christ, Satan sent his disciple, Henry Rushmann, to release a subtle yet effective scourge upon the earth. Suck it, Jesus, the devil thought, and glitter was invented – the devil’s poop remnant brought to earth by American terrorist Henry Rushmann. Aptly named, the disambiguation of the word glitter tells the tale: from the German phrase ‘geit hier’ roughly translated as: of the devil’s anus.

I literally do not know where to begin. Let me consult my outline… ah yes. Take a trip with me won’t you? I remember when I first realized glitter was an abomination. A so-called loved one sent me a birthday card emblazoned with the stuff – ‘You’re a wonderful guy’ or some stupid shit was written on it. I opened it for 4 seconds, pocketed the cash and threw the card away. Then I began to notice the fallout – glitter on the table where I opened the card, glitter on my hands, looked in the mirror: glitter on my face… Took a shower: glitter still on my face. Glitter in my luggage, which was in a closet of another room that I hadn’t been into yet, glitter in my hair. Made dinner: glitter in my pasta. Took another shower, left the house – first thing my friend says to me: “What’s that shit all over your face?” Went to the store to buy some more body wash: glitter on the money, glitter on the cash register, glitter on the next person to check out, glitter on her money now which was my money, glitter in her purse and now her whole home is infected. Sorry lady, I didn’t know. 10 years later: glitter under the sink in the cabinet where I kept the trash can that I don’t own anymore where I threw that card away.

You see what I’m getting at here? Glitter is the plague – a highly infectious disease. Who buys this stuff and thinks: oh this’ll add some extra pizzazz to whatever bullshit gift I’m giving or craft I’m crafting? Kill yaself. It’s not fun or creative or quirky. It’s sad and lazy and inconsiderate.

On a personal note, don’t you ever in your life bring glitter into my home. Do not send me greeting cards with glitter. Do not receive greeting cards with glitter then come to my house. Do not let my future children play with glitter at school then bring home some bullshit “artwork” with shrapnel all over it. Who thought this was a good idea to put into the hands of children!? And, have you seen these YouTube videos of people being “pranked” with glitter bombs? That is not a prank; that is an act of terrorism. 100% serious fact of real life reality: I will disown the person who does that to me. Friendship, sonship, brothership, relationship over – no questions asked. More disturbing still are the videos where the victim reacts with anything less than fury. I recently saw one where a woman gives her boss a glitter bomb on her last day at work and he chuckles and says “you got me… haha… I knew it… haha.” What kind of goddamn psychopath are you!? I have to take solace in the assumption that once the recording stopped, he promptly threw her through his office window to her death. I can’t live in a world where this type of thing goes unpunished. I can’t.

Verdict: 0 out of 10