The Daily Something

August 11, 2020

Mysteries of the universe:

If you make Beyond Meat burgers in a skillet, can you then make Beyond Meat gravy out of the pan drippings? 


August 10, 2020

Politics:

Biden should just answer every question about Trump with “The Rona” and drop the mic. 


August 6, 2020

Behind the curtain:

You know those times you’re at work and someone asks you where to find bagged Italian prunes?… No? OK never mind. 


August 3, 2020

PSA:

Scientists have finally proven that coffee actually makes you smarter and more mentally sharp. Don’t look it up – we all need this right now. 


July 30, 2020

Sports:

“Eh ehm…” *clears throat… “Baaaaaaalllllllllll niiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhht!”


July 29, 2020

Comment key:

😂: This humors me
😂😂: Humorous and clever – nice work
😂😂😂: Actually laughing out loud
😂😂😂🤣: Y’all! Eddie Murphy is literally right here posting hilarities!


July 28, 2020

Question of the day:

Yes, the government is taking away your right to infect other people during a pandemic… but why do you want it? 


 July 27, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I don’t know what cream soda is supposed to taste like and I don’t wanna know. 


July 24, 2020

BLM:

Trying to reconcile wanting a BLM T-shirt with not wanting people to exploit the BLM movement for profit. 


July 22, 2020

Deep thoughts:

When I sing in the shower I sound exactly like Maxwell. When he sings in the shower does he sound exactly like me?…


July 21, 2020

Thought of the day:

Remember 2020 when you start seeing kids with the first or middle name “Fauci.” 


July 20, 2020

Thought of the day:

What’s the opposite of a “silver lining”… is it a brown lining?… because 2020 has been mostly brown lining thus far. 


July 16, 2020

Sports:

I wouldn’t be surprised if Daniel Snyder doubled down and changed the logo to a picture of his own middle finger. 


July 15, 2020

COVID update:

Dr. Fauci has been more than good enough for six presidents but all of the sudden he’s a hack, right?.. but that’s not suspicious. 


July 14, 2020

COVID status update:

Worse.


July 13, 2020

Sports:

2020 better not find a way to ruin the NBA bubble. 


July 10, 2020

BLM:

We’re at the point where if you can’t answer the question “do black lives matter?” with one word, you may never again be invited to the cookout. 


July 9, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I live every day with the constant fear of finding out Beyond Meat burgers are made from conflict diamonds and not being able to eat them anymore. 


July 8, 2020

Politics:

This administration’s handling of the pandemic would be comically incompetent if it weren’t tragically incompetent. 


July 7, 2020

Shout out:

Much love to the good Karens out there, being dragged through the mud by the namesakes. I see you. ✊🏿


July 6, 2020

Sports:

If someone of color displaced a white person from their house then started a franchise in it, called the Washington Palefaces, they might rightfully feel peeved about it. Oh and genocide and stuff too. 


July 1, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I’m very fortunate to be closing on my dream home with my dream wife today. Unfortunately for you, until we sell our house in Philly, I will be referring to it as my “city flex.”


June 30, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I just want to care about anything as much as my wife cares about Coop from ‘All American’.


June 26, 2020

Thought of the day:

Is it possible to patronize a baby?
The best I can manage is: “Let me show you how to really doodoo that diapey, kid. “


June 25, 2020

PSA:

If a stranger approaches you with a conversation beginning with “Hey (‘big man’, ‘big guy’, ‘chief’, ‘stick man’, ‘blood’, or ‘bro’)” do not have that conversation. 


June 24, 2020

Thought of the day:

Do I fux with NASCAR now?… I’m definitely buying some Bubba Wallace gear, solely for the off chance of angering a racist NASCAR fan, if that counts. 


June 23, 2020

Thought of the day:

I think we should all spite-enjoy NASCAR just to pull it further away from the Confederacy. 


June 22, 2020

Quote of the day:

Only 2020 could make it possible for me to be able to say the following to someone: “The makers of ‘Sharknado’ need to work up a script for ‘Coke Boars vs. Meth Gators’.” 


June 19, 2020

Juneteenth:

Take every joy you can find today but doesn’t 2020 feel like a strange year to celebrate black freedom? 


June 18, 2020

Question of the day:

Did anyone ever get the connection between Rice-A-Roni and San Francisco? I never thought to do the research.


June 17, 2020

Thought of the day:

The one beacon of light on the internet right now is the public shaming of mis-preparations of heritage ethnic dishes. 


June 16, 2020

Thought of the day:

Sometimes I wonder if people who always have “Caps Lock” on have been doing it right this whole time. 


June 15, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I’m happy to announce that, finally, at the age of 38, I will be enrolling in my first video game system pre-order program. I have arrived. 


June 12, 2020

BLM:

Thank you to the individuals involved with NASCAR who are standing up on the right side. 
“If there was any honor left in that flag, it disappeared a long time ago” ~Ryan McGee


June 11, 2020

BLM:

Imagine wanting to disrespect black people so much that you’re willing to give up a job racing cars for money. 


June 10, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I used Apple Pay on a retail scanner for the first time today and was probably a little too visibly blown away. This is 38. 


June 9, 2020

BLM:

When it’s time to vote for the next president, keep in mind that at least one of his top advisors doesn’t think the U.S. has systemic racism. 


June 8, 2020

BLM:

Ask: Is there any other reason to be looking up George Floyd’s criminal record than to justify his murder? Why is that the reflex? 


 

June 3, 2020

Question of the day:

Can y’all fairly easily reach behind your back and grab items out of the opposite side back pocket or am I a freak? 


June 2, 2020

PSA:

Keep that same energy when it’s time to vote. 


June 1, 2020

Thought of the day:

Welp, it’s hurricane season. Judging by 2020 so far… well, let’s just see how it goes. 


May 28, 2020

Thought of the day:

Has there been any scientific research into Indian food getting spicier after a night in the fridge? I wonder if there’s a way to harness that heat energy…


May 27, 2020

PSA:

Birthdays are for reminding younger folks how wise you are and older folks how pretty you are. Middle-age feels like the sweet spot. Thanks for all the love, y’all.


May 26, 2020

Behind the curtain:

Would it be crazy to move to Collingswood, NJ just because you can sing the zip code (08108) to the tune of Paula Cole’s I Don’t Wanna Wait?… Ok, then I’m moving for more space. 


May 21, 2020

Brain games:

Pick up a coin.
Point to the side of the coin.
Now, explain to me, again, how there are only two sides of a coin.


May 20, 2020

Behind the curtain:

This year, when I ask if you have Memorial Day plans, it’s because I’m making a list of people to avoid for another couple of months after quarantine. 


May 19, 2020

PSA:

It’s probably time to start scripting your post-COVID weeknight drinking excuses. 


May 18, 2020

PSA:

“I just wanted to see myself as a cartoon” is a perfectly good excuse to create an avatar. Go be great. 


May 14, 2020

Rap lyrics decoded:

Has anyone stopped to ask themselves why Puff ate a three-course meal of spaghetti, fettuccine and veal? Seems a bit redundant. 


May 13, 2020

A Haiku:

Pandemic virus
Stealing our Spring and Summer,
and sports and stuff too


May 12, 2020

Question of the day:

Have you ever had such a bad day at work that you buy a lottery ticket just in case?… oh yeah, no, me neither. 


May 11, 2020

Question of the day:

I’ve been trying out new catch phrases. If I start using “sweet fresh Moses!” as an exclamation, is that sacrilege? 


May 8, 2020

PSA:

When’s the last time you called someone a “Bozo?” Give it a whirl this weekend. I found it very satisfying. 


May 7, 2020

Thought of the day:

I sincerely hope Future is already planning his “Mask Off” parties and tour dates. He’s going to be a very popular guy when COVID is over. 


May 6, 2020

One hunnit:

I’m not an entomologist. All hornets are murder hornets now. 


May 5, 2020

Inspiration:

Sometimes life just gives you what you need for the day, like an unfortunately placed “cock” typo in a heartfelt work email. 


May 4, 2020

PSA:

If you’re doing most/all of the grocery shopping in your household during this crisis, do not miss your opportunity to say, “I risk my life to put food on our table!”


May 1, 2020

First world problems – COVID Edition:

I just want to sit in a place and pay someone to cook for me!


April 30, 2020

Things to do in quarantine:

Change the words in The All American Rejects ‘Gives You Hell’ to narrate your everyday tasks: 🎶“Gonna go downstairs, gonna get some snacks, gonna get some snaaaacks!”🎶


April 29, 2020

Thought of the day:

With crime down due to COVID-19, I like the thought of criminals risking their lives during normal circumstances but considering the current situation and thinking, “that’s just too much.”


April 28, 2020

PSA:

Cinco de Mayo is in one week, on taco Tuesday. We owe it to our Mexican brothers and sisters to get plastered at home and eat tacos. 


April 27, 2020

Sports:

After yesterday’s episode of ‘The Last Stand’ I think we’re all ready for ‘National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation’, starring Dennis Rodman. 


April 24, 2020

Question of the day:

What are the odds we start seeing the names “Rona” and “Covid” popping up on babies in the near future? 


April 23, 2020

Submission to Webster’s:

Disanticipation (n): The feeling you get when you find out mid-episode that you’re watching the series finale. 


April 22, 2020

Historic quotes:

“I love Burlington Coat Factory… You go in there with $645, you’re literally a king.”
~Michael Scott


April 21, 2020

Behind the curtain:

Is anyone else in better shape during this quarantine? I just can’t find an excuse to not exercise. 


April 20, 2020

COVID-19 update:

Dammit, Florida! 


April 17, 2020

PSA:

If you don’t follow sports, you may not know there’s a Michael Jordan docuseries called ‘The Last Stand’ starting this weekend. There are no sports on TV. You will see and hear A LOT about this program. 


April 16, 2020

COVID-19 update:

Protesting safety during a pandemic. Y’all dumb.

IMG_1617
IMG_1618


April 15, 2020

Sports:

Sports fandom has reached an all-time low. I’ve reached the point of being excited about televised backyard ball, front-office moves and pre-draft scenarios. 


April 14, 2020

Rap lyrics decoded:

I mean… if you let a man, who’s CLEARLY disguising his identity, into your home, you deserve to have all the Hennessey on your shelf drank and all of your crackers and licorice eaten. 


April 13, 2020

COVID-19 update:

There’s going to be a lot of awkward, lingering hugs when this thing is all over. 


April 10, 2020

Thought of the day:

Everyone (on 1/1/2020): “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”
2020: 
maury


April 9, 2020

Question of the day:

Is anyone else afraid mosquitoes are going to be especially ravenous for human flesh once the quarantine breaks? 


April 8, 2020

Thought of the day:

I wonder if a diner would make an egg yolk omelet for me if I asked?…
I miss restaurants. 


April 7, 2020

Social distancing:

Saw a dog bark at another dog for being too close. Respect. 


April 6, 2020

Time and temperature:

Welcome back to windows open and sleeping with one leg outside of the covers season. 


April 3, 2020

Thought of the day:

Is there anything more disappointing than a weak-ass froth on a cappuccino? 


April 2, 2020

Behind the curtain:

I’m not sure how many days of confinement it’s supposed to take before your boo starts looking like the enemy, but I’m thankful that there are no signs of that after two weeks.


April 1, 2020

COVID-19 update:

*closes eyes, “Please be an elaborate prank.”
*opens eyes… *closes eyes


March 31, 2020

Sports:

ESPN announced that they’re moving up the “The Last Dance” Michael Jordan documentary, (now starting 4/19 instead of June) in an act of sweet, buttery, benevolent mercy toward sports fans.


March 30, 2020

Sports:

I’m just about thirsty enough to watch an NBA 2K simulation. 


March 27, 2020

Behind the curtain:

As an introvert, it’s going to be really difficult trying to explain to extroverts why I’m still watching movies by myself in my basement when we finally get rid of COVID-19. 


March 26, 2020

Thought of the day:

I wonder how long before extreme sports junkies invent ‘Extreme Social-Distancing’… whatever that might entail…


March 25, 2020

Rap lyrics decoded:

Nas: “(If I ruled the world) I’d open every cell in Attica – send ’em to Africa”
Africa: “WTF, Bro!?”


March 24, 2020

Thought of the day:

Other than on the internet, does anyone know where to find a complete physical set of Encyclopedia Britanica books? I don’t want them; I’m just wondering if anyone still has that knowledge. 


March 23, 2020

Thought of the day:

Is it possible COVID-19 is just the planet’s way of telling humans to “sit yo ass down and think about what you did”…?


March 20, 2020

Question of the day:

Now that the pronoun situation is more fluid, can I start using “their” in place of “his/her” without fear of grammatical persecution? 


March 19, 2020

Coronavirus update:

Negative impacts: Wellness, Healthcare, Community, Economy, Tourism, Trade, Etc.
Positive impacts: Memes 


March 18, 2020

You’re welcome:

Let’s make sure we come out of this COVID-19 situation with a dope, global holiday, like “Social Gathering Day” or someshit. 


March 17, 2020

Question of the day:

If you have an identical twin, do they have to consult you before sending nudes to people? I mean, it’s your body too. 


March 16, 2020

Dem Debate:

Did anyone else notice that Sanders and Biden were six feet apart but the moderators were sitting right next to each other? Not sure what the message is there…


March 13, 2020

Hypothetically:

What if I told you they were replacing all live sports and sports talk shows with the movie ‘Outbreak’ on a loop? 


March 12, 2020

Coronavirus update:

The NBA has suspended the season and now this shit is personal. 


March 11, 2020

Bro Test:

If a “fist-bump” was called a “knuckle-kiss,” would you do it as often? 


March 10, 2020

Thought of the day:

I think I have the intellect to have contributed something to society, but I’ve been busy wondering why I pronounce “bow tie” so much differently than “boat eye.”


March 9, 2020

Behind the curtain:

As a large black man, whenever I meet a white baby for the first time, we play the “curious or scared?” game. 


March 6, 2020

Politics:

In a stunning upset, the race for the democratic nomination will come down to two old white men. 


March 5, 2020

Deep thoughts:

You truly comprehend living life on your own terms when you change out of sweatpants and into pajamas. 


March 4, 2020

Politics:

“Wolf Blitzer” is the type of name where if you asked someone what their name is and they told you, you’d be like, “That’s fine. You don’t have to tell me.”


March 3, 2020

Coronavirus Update:

I’m pretty sure I just saw someone on the street-corner, dealing face masks and vitamin C gummies. 


March 2, 2020

Coronavirus Update:

Official U.S. prevention strategy: We’re going to announce these coronavirus deaths one by one until someone figures something out. 


February 28, 2020

Hot take:

The different colors in the dish and laundry pods all do the exact same thing. 


February 27, 2020

Current Events:

The internet continues to search itself for the perfect Coronavirus and Lyme Disease joke to meme-ify. 


February 26, 2020

Politics:

Biden: “What tone do I take with moderators?”
Speaking coach: “Remember how you’d react when your kids misbehaved in public?”
Biden: “Say no more, fam.”


February 24, 2020

Sports:

A completely unsung accomplishment of Muhammad Ali’s was the strength he showed in pivoting away from a dope name like Cassius Clay. That’s true sacrifice.


February 21, 2020

Thought of the day:

You know your wife is the queen when people over the age of 30 will still dress in costume for her parties. 


February 20, 2020

Dem Debate Analysis:

Remember that scene in The Matrix Reloaded where Smith learns to replicate himself and Neo has to fight all of them? That’s what last night was like except instead of Neo, Ted from ‘Bill and Ted’s” showed up. 


February 17, 2020

Sports:

The NBA is basically turning the All Star game into a high-stakes pick-up game and it’s about time. 


February 14, 2020

PSA:

Valentine’s Day and NBA All-Star weekend are overlapping and it’s a trap. Make sure your partner is happy before you turn on that T.V.


February 13, 2020

NFL:

There are infinitely more important issues in the world today but it’s laughable that one of the most successful leagues in the world has a team called the “Redskins.” Can we light the torches on this, if for no other reason than it’s annoying when rich people get away with stuff? 


February 12, 2020

The Black Delegation:

We’d like to recognize Max Kellerman from the sports debate show ‘First Take’ for keeping it 100 from the jump. 


February 11, 2020

Vocabulary:

We’re under-utilizing the word “milquetoast” (milk-toast). Imagine if you were in an argument and could just hurl two random words at the person and have it be an effective insult. That’s milquetoast. 


February 10, 2020

Oscars:

The directors in the audience took the first joke about the lack of women in lead roles in stride. The third and forth?… Not so much. 


February 6, 2020

NFL headlines:

Owners/coaches fraternity actively searches for another position from which to marginalize black athletes after 2020 quarterback domination.  


February 5, 2020

Climate Crisis:

Science n’nem during the Industrial Revolution: “NO RULES!!!”

Science ever since: “Never mind; we fucked up.”


February 4, 2020

Wisdoms:

Most chess moves you can’t even make in a checkers match. Know the game you’re playing. Sometimes being a smartass will get you jumped. ~Confucius n’nem


February 3, 2020

Question of the day:

Why does my cat race to get ahead of me coming down the stairs then stop short like a goddamn psychopath? 


January 31, 2020

PSA:

Superbowl Sunday is the deathblow to your fitness resolutions. It’s hard to mentally recover from justifying six different kinds of dip. 


January 30, 2020

More handkerchief content:

Isn’t “handkerchief” one of the most inelegant compound words in the language? Who was on that committee? 


January 29, 2020

Lessons in humility:

If you’re being honest with yourself, you pronounce it “hanker-chief,” not “handkerchief,” do you not? 


January 28, 2020

Question of the day:

Would you rather lose an eye or gain an eye? 


January 27, 2020

R.I.P. Kobe:

Kobe Bryant crushed the spirits of hundreds on the basketball court, but inspired the dreams of millions off of it. Best wishes to the Bryant family. 


January 24, 2020

Business advice:

Is someone in product development at McDonald’s going to pitch the McChicken & Waffle Breakfast Sandwich, or do I have to make all this money myself?


January 17, 2020

Fitness:

If you make a 45 degree turn at any point during your treadmill run, you’re doing better than me. 


January 16, 2020

Climate Change:

Isn’t science how we discovered fossil fuels were a viable energy source in the first place? So, now that science is saying “My bad – I fucked up.” we’re not going to listen to it? 


January 15, 2020

Climate Change:

Canada patiently awaits looming agriculture super-powership. 


January 14, 2020

College Football:

Welp… Burrow is a college football legend. 


January 13, 2020

NFL Headlines:

Kansas City spots Houston 24 points just to see how it feels before Mahomes instructs offense to start playing with their eyes open


January 10, 2020

Thought of the day:

So, just for the record, we’re still looking the other way on Biggie saying “rule nombre uno,” correct? 


January 9, 2020

Politics:

When Trump announced he wasn’t going to retaliate against Iran with military force I imagined half the country extinguishing their torches but leaving them next to the front door for next time. 


January 8, 2020

Language:

Are y’all also abbreviating the word “fundamentals” to “fundies” or am I the only one who likes to have a good time?


January 7, 2020

Behind the curtain:

So, wait… I should’ve been writing about stuff people care about all this time? 


January 6, 2020

PSA:

Australia is on fire. Mother nature is asking us to get a switch off of the tree.


January 3, 2020

2020 Resolutions:

Record zero “you too” responses to airport staff telling me to “have a good flight” or gym staff telling me to “have a good workout.”


January 2, 2020

2020 Resolutions:

Finally and earnestly commit to learning a second language… maybe. 


January 1, 2020

2020 Resolutions:

Learn to relate to human persons on a human level. 


December 31, 2019

2020 Resolutions:

Be even more upfront about the things I don’t want to do, and do more of those things.


December 30, 2019

2020 Resolutions:

Stop doing that little mini-jog when someone holds a door open but shouldn’t have, considering the distance. Maintain pace. 


December 24, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Just had the thought, “I wonder how much it would cost to purchase actual doubloons?” and realized I should never be allowed to be rich. 


December 23, 2019

Thought of the day:

Not sure why we haven’t given Michael Buble’ the nickname “The Boobs” yet…


December 20, 2019

PSA:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year to go to the gym. People have given up on themselves for the next week and a half. Go enjoy whatever machine you want for as long as you want. 


December 19, 2019

Politics:

Just for clarity, here’s the current state of things now that Trump is impeached:

House of Representatives: “We’re not feeling this guy.”
Senate: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


December 18, 2019

Answers to questions:

Q: Do you want to upgrade to premium?
A: No, I don’t want to pay for something I already get for free. 


December 17, 2019

NFL:

Can I throw an idea in the hat for the subtitle of this latest Patriots cheating scandal? I’m a big fan of ‘Spygate 2: Electric Boogaloo.’


December 16, 2019

Shout out:

I’m convinced that an office Christmas party ain’t shit unless Zach’s ass is literally on the dance floor. 


December 13, 2019

Politics:

In an equally (but not exceedingly) strange move to the Thanos tweet, Trump’s War Room Twitter account releases a new video with Trump’s head superimposed onto Gargamel from The Smurfs.


December 12, 2019

Behind the curtain:

…so I’m assuming the next step is to go to the major networks and say “people keep saying I’m funny… So wassup?”


December 11, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Ever since I won the coveted Gold Star Award, people keep asking me if I’m going to let the accolades go to my head and I just have to keep telling them… Yes.


December 10, 2019

NFL:

Maybe public outrage just isn’t the right tactic. Can one of Dan Snyder’s mans go into his office and ask “Can we please stop disrespecting Native Americans? It’s not a good look.”


December 9, 2019

Ratchet brain:

Me: *orders lunch
Cashier: “Would you like to purchase cookies to support our troops?”
Me: “Of course.”
Cashier: “Thanks, your total is $18.25.”
Ratchet brain: “GODDAMN! How much dem cookies!?”


December 4, 2019

Lost in translation:

If the cashier at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through keeps telling me to “pull up” we may soon have an altercation.


December 3, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Don’t you hate when someone buys a cup of coffee then acts like they pay rent at the coffee shop now? Well, we hate you too.


December 2, 2019

NFL:

On 12/22, instead of airing the Cowboys/Eagles game, the NFL should just air 22 guys pushing two piles of garbage together and see if anyone knows the difference. 


November 27, 2019

NFL:

It’s funny listening to analysts try to describe how good Lamar Jackson is. It must really piss off those who’ve criticized black quarterbacks’ ability to lead


November 26, 2019

Hot take:

Devlin ‘Duck’ Hodges will be a Super Bowl winning quarterback before his career is done because he has the name of someone who should be in the fabric of NFL history.


November 25, 2019

Something you never thought you’d do but might now that I said it:

Say: “Hey Alexa (or Google), play: Blinky Blink.”


November 22, 2019

Commemoration:

Happy Track Suit Bar Crawl weekend!

Talk Shit Be Cozy. – Take Shots Break Curfew. – Tube Socks, Bitch! Covetous? 


November 21, 2019

Politics:

You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. I dare someone try to convince me that the democratic debates have the same pop without Beto’s signature Spanish interludes. 


November 20, 2019

Suggestion for Webster’s:

Flaccimity (n): The state of sensing (without visual confirmation) that another man has become naked near you in the gym locker room. 


November 19, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I’m at a crossroads between spending money on Disney+ or spending the effort it would take to figure out how to watch The Mandalorian illegally. 


November 18, 2019

Proverbs:

Insects fly but that don’t make ’em birds. ~Confucius 


November 15, 2019

Ratchet Brain (the voice of my internal monologue):

On mistaking rain droplets for snowflakes: “I know these ain’t no muthafuckin flakes on my car!”


November 14, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Until very recently I had no idea that mincemeat is a real thing. I just thought it was something you say to threaten people. 


November 13, 2019

Pro tip:

All I ask is that you play the “beans-greens-potatoes-tomatoes…” meme song at some point during your Thanksgiving celebration. 


November 12, 2019

PSA:

Is your carol selection more “ho-hum” than “ho-ho-ho?” Christmas party don’t slap like it should? Throw on ‘Mary’s Boy Child’ by Boney M to reach boss-level spirit; but keep in mind, just because you pray for a miracle, doesn’t mean you’re ready to receive one. 


November 11, 2019

PSA:

With Christmas coming, instead of making last-minute excuses for not getting people gifts, make your excuses right now and free your mind for the holidays. 


November 7, 2019

Thought of the day:

Can one even fathom the degree of sweet, buttery retribution many would feel from impeaching a president whose catch-phrase is “You’re fired!”?


November 6, 2019

NFL:

Christian McCaffrey is very light-skinned for a black man. 


November 5, 2019

Shout out:

Much respect to my northeastern warriors who haven’t turned the heat on yet. 


 

November 4, 2019

PSA:

Welcome to the season of great divide. When can you start playing Christmas music in the office? 


November 1, 2019

Thought of the day:

I feel like the apex of maturity is getting old enough to have acquired the taste for things younger people don’t like so you don’t have to share with them.


October 31, 2019

Happy Halloween:

I love this time of year because I get to play one of my favorite games: “costume or nah,” where we celebrate those individuals whose wardrobes straddle the line between business casual and burlesque.


October 30, 2019

NBA Stats:

The Milwaukee Bucks have already increased their Lopezes by 100% over last year.


October 29, 2019

Behind the curtain:

You know you eat too much Chinese when they recognize your voice over the phone and say “you sure, my ni**a?” when you order something unusual.


October 28, 2019

Thought of the day:

I’m afraid to Google “online trick-or-treating” because it’s probably a thing and I don’t want to know if it is. 


October 24, 2019

Thought of the day:

When you’re child-less and closer in age to 40 than to 30, people start talking about your prospects like you’ve abandoned your dreams: “…so you’re done on the whole children thing, huh?”


October 22, 2019

Sports:

The NBA season is upon us. In my world, that marks a time of great joy and many conversations with the wife about prioritization. 


October 21, 2019

NFL:

As a 49ers fan who lives in Philadelphia, I understand the extra sting that comes with a lopsided loss to the Cowboys. My heart goes out to Eagles fans. 


October 14, 2019

Columbus Day:

If the Google Doodle isn’t recognizing your holiday, I can’t get down with it either. 


October 11, 2019

Thought of the day:

If someone starts a conversation with you with the phrase, “excuse the alcohol smell” you need to determine right then and there if you’re all in or out of that convo.


October 10, 2019

Thought of the day:

I bet you’d have a lot more moving walkway stories if the law required Jamiroquai’s ‘Virtual Insanity’ be played on a loop when in operation (as it should). 


October 9, 2019

For the culture:

Before buffalo sauce there was ketchup mixed with hot sauce. 


October 8, 2019

Sports:

Jamal Crawford is 39 years old and will probably earn NBA contract. I’m 37 and I think I just injured myself typing NBA. 


October 7, 2019

Politics:

Unfortunately for Bernie Sanders public favor is fickle and any sign of weakness hurts his candidacy. If he wants to get his campaign back on track he needs to release a ‘Rocky’ style training montage. 


October 4, 2019

Thought of the day:

I’m convinced that if science determined that coffee consumption would absolutely lead to you dying on your 68th birthday, A LOT of people would have a very tough decision to make. 


October 3, 2019

Sports:

Welcome to October, sports fans. Welcome to nirvana. 


October 2, 2019

Sports:

Think about the NCAA rules outside of the context of sports. They’re essentially telling people “You can’t make money off of your face because it hurts our ability to make money off of your face. We own your face.”


October 1, 2019

Question of the day:

If I were to tell you that Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new, limited edition flavor called ‘Impeaches & Cream’, would you believe me? Would you Google it? 


September 30, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I’m sorry; I just don’t understand recreational fruit picking. 


September 20, 2019

Thought of the day:

Take a moment to consider how dramatically your perception of Sir Mix-A-Lot would change if you found out that he’s a real knight.


September 19, 2019

Thought of the day:

I wonder if Nas ever got his Infiniti Q-45…


September 17, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Is there a men’s culotte option? I feel that such a garment would maximize my ability to appreciate the cool fall season ankle-breeze and carriage updraft I’ve been missing all summer. 


September 16, 2019

Business advice:

Is someone going to invent/popularize the lay-down work desk to simulate working from home, or do I have to make all this money myself?


September 6, 2019

Webster’s, how about this?:

Obsequity– When your partner thinks you’ve collectively come to a compromise but you’re the only one who has given up something.   


September 5, 2019

Webster’s, how about this?:

Contrepulence – The realization that you have to admit to yourself that you have a cold.   


September 4, 2019

Thought of the day:

I keep hearing people say the world is in the worst shape it’s ever been. I wonder if there’s a way to objectively measure that. I’ve gotta believe the American Slavery period and the Holocaust have to rank up there somewhere.  


September 3, 2019

Thought of the day:

I wonder if pumpkin farmers are resentful of this whole pumpkin spice wave, since it’s all artificial flavoring and they don’t get to cash in. I think I would be. 


August 30, 2019

Barely fake news:

Starbucks announces their entrance into the fast food sandwich wars with their new Pumpkin Spice-y Grilled Chicken and Egg White Breakfast Sandwich. 


August 29, 2019

Behind the curtain:

My Facebook memories reminded me that on this day in history I threatened to pluck someone’s eyeballs out Beatrix Kiddo-style. Here’s hoping this year’s August 29th is a little better than that. 


August 28, 2019

Thought of the day:

I have to believe that the U.S. is the only country that has restaurants dedicated to food from other countries but the food is wildly different from the actual cuisine of that country.


 

August 27, 2019

Sports:

Yesterday, Andrew Luck made the shocking announcement of his retirement, after the discovery that he could get paid $25 million to not be hit by 300 lb. human tanks for five months. 


August 26, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I’m tired of my lady-friends bullying me onto the dance floor. I need at least a 37 minute warm up period.


August 23, 2019

Behind the curtain:

The best reaction I’ve ever received to something I said jokingly was: “I don’t know what that means, but it’s hilarious.”


August 22, 2019

Pop culture:

This chicken sandwich war is the best thing on the internet right now. 


August 21, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I don’t care if The Matrix 4 turns out to be a Cypher origin story – take my money and take it now.  


August 20, 2019

Business:

Kudos to the marketing geniuses behind the new Popeye’s chicken sandwich. I’ll take your bait. 


 

August 19, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Have you ever tried to dry your whole body with a hand towel? It’s humiliating. 


August 16, 2019

Question of the day:

Is anyone taking plain M&Ms over the field? I’d like to have a discussion with you.


August 15, 2019

John’s philosophies:

“Politics: They’re lucky I ain’t in it, ‘cause I’d have an AK-47.”


August 14, 2019

Politics:

We’ve had two democratic debates. If we’re being honest, couldn’t we just shave off 4 or 5 of these candidates before the next one?… maybe just not tell them the time or location of the next round.


August 13, 2019

Question of the day:

Y’all think Mr. Pibb is named after a real dude? Is he famous for discovering the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper and copying them?


August 12, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I have a friend named “Monica” who’s name I abbreviate to “Mon” and I love texting her because I imagine I’m speaking with a Jamaican accent.


August 9, 2019

PSA:

Can y’all stop leaving newspapers or bundled coupon circulars or whatever on my doorstep? I have never – not once – opened them and, out of spite alone, I never will.


August 8, 2019

Politics:

These presidential candidates are showing amazing restraint thus far, not using the buzz line “2020 vision” …but it’s a matter of time.


August 7, 2019

Thought of the day:

You ever think about the actual definition of a lap? Is it just the surface created when two thighs are pressed together? Does a one-legged person have a lap, or just top-thigh?


August 6, 2019

Behind the curtain

It still takes me a while to figure out how many syllables are in the word “chocolate.”.


August 5, 2019

Thought of the day:

You can measure how benevolent of a person you are by the number of people who call you after you change your Netflix password.


August 2, 2019

Thought of the day:

It’s Back-to-School season, where social media teaches us just how much our teachers hate children.


August 1, 2019

Politics:

I feel like, if y’all keep provoking Biden during these debates, he’s going to end up giving Denzel Washington’s ‘King Kong’ speech from Training Day to close out the next one.


July 31, 2019

Politics:

I wonder if Beto’s handlers pulled him aside and said “not so much with the Spanish this time around, playboy.”


July 30, 2019

Meg’s takes:

My wife says I’ve cultivated a look of general disinterest and she’s confused about why people gravitate toward me. I think she answered her own question.


July 29, 2019

Debate:

When you want to make your house colder do you turn the air conditioner up or down?


July 26, 2019

Question of the day:

If there was a highly rated restaurant that was rumored to have the best version of your favorite meal but the restaurant was called “Feet Sandwich,” would you go or would you be put off by the name?


July 25, 2019

Stay woke:

CAUTION: KFC is still trying to kill you. First, they replace the sandwich bread with fried chicken, now they’re lacing the breading with Cheetos dust and besprinkling the sandwich with Cheetos. Stay woke.


July 24, 2019

Do this:

You want to make yourself feel old? Try describing what a typewriter is to a teenager.


July 23, 2019

Sports:

We must remember this NBA free agency year as the time when the Lakers and Raptors got played by a dude named “Uncle Dennis.”


July 22, 2019

PSA:

Think before you make that comment about the weather. The person you’re speaking to probably has a sense of touch also.


July 19, 2019

Thought of the day:

In 50 years, Face App is going to message you, saying, “I told you to take better care of yourself,” and that will have been what this has all been about.


July 18, 2019

Sports:

NFL training camps are to thirsty football fans what NBA summer league is to thirsty basketball fans.


July 17, 2019

Debate:

When you want to make your house cooler, do you turn the air conditioning up or down?…


July 16, 2019

Behind the curtain (Camping):

As far as sleeping quarters go, tents just aren’t my type. I’ll smash the wilderness on a daytime-type situation but I’m not planning to stay the night.


July 15, 2019

Quote of the day:

There’s only so much stretch you can add to jeans before they become sweat pants. ~Confucius


July 12, 2019

Sports/Life:

If you’ve joined the USWNT Equal Pay campaign and have no plans to purchase a Rapinoe jersey, you don’t get it.


July 11, 2019

Thought of the day:

So, y’all weren’t going to tell me that the new CEO of Nintendo America is named Doug BOWSER? You didn’t think that was relevant to my interests? Ok….


July 10, 2019

Question of the day:

Why does there always have to be some kind of uproar when Hollywood casts a person of color in a traditionally white role? Can’t y’all just be happy you got the original version?


July 9, 2019

Sports:

If Megan Rapinoe doesn’t become a national superstar, her agent is a hater.


July 8, 2019

Bummer of the day:

Water-balloon fights were essentially just creative littering.


July 5, 2019

Sports:

If I’m Kyle Kuzma, I’m working on my spot-up 3-ball and forgetting everything else I know about basketball. If Kawhi comes, it’s all irrelevant.


July 3, 2019

Sports:

“I’m not going to the fucking White House.” ~Megan Rapinoe


July 2, 2019

Sports:

I imagine Kawhi Leonard has been sitting in a 6×6, soundproof glass box, listening to his own heartbeat for the past 48 hours. He’ll step out of the box, announce his decision, then return.


July 1, 2019

Sports:

The Golden State Warriors are like that attractive friend who the universe refuses to smite without making up for it.


June 28, 2019

Politics:

Between Biden and Sanders, I feel like we’re going to see someone flip a table and start a fistfight during one of these debates.


June 27, 2019

Politics:

I wonder if there will be as much Spanish spoken during the republican debates…


June 26, 2019

Politics:

To my republican brothers and sisters who said “I didn’t want to vote for Trump but there wasn’t a good alternative;” please let me know which of the 65 current democratic candidates would be good enough and I’ll throw my full support behind them.


June 25, 2019

Politics:

I’m prepared to vote for whichever candidate uses the phrase “you feel me?” the most during the debates.


June 24, 2019

Politics:

I’m not really sure how you hold a debate with 50 candidates. That sounds more like a town hall.


June 21, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I was picking up some lotion and saw one that claimed “72 hour moisture.” After considering it for a moment, I decided I didn’t want to be moist for that long.


June 20, 2019

Sports:

A part of me wishes the Pelicans didn’t choose Zion so I could hear all of the pandemonium.


June 19, 2019

Thought of the day:

Casseroles are mostly just an excuse to eat a bowl of hot cheese.


June 18, 2019

Stream of consciousness:

I wonder if I could use the (non)word “promptu” enough for others to adopt it and eventually get Webster and Merriam to recognize?

Ex. “I just had a promptu meeting with my boss… yeah, totally planned in advance.”


June 17, 2019

Thought of the day:

I often wonder how much of wanting children is just the curiosity around what a half-you/half-someone-else, mini person would look like.


June 14, 2019

Sports:

I have the sneaking feeling that The Monstars have something to do with all the GSW injuries.


June 13, 2019

Behind the curtain:

My employer should pay me less today. I’m just going to be sitting around, thinking about game 6.


June 12, 2019

Sports:

Now is the time of year that I become aware of the bleak reality that, soon, all that will remain is baseball.


June 11, 2019

Sports:

Toronto fans cheered for KD’s injury. How do I apply for a sports curse to be put on them?


June 10, 2019

Music:

I didn’t really care much about that ‘Old Town Road’ song until I heard people were outraged by it. Now it’s fantastic.


June 7, 2019

Sports:

30+ years of sports fandom and I have never, not once, asked the question: “who the hell is ‘Stanley’ and why does he have a fancy cup?”


June 6, 2019

Sports:

Kudos to FOX Sports for letting Shannon Sharpe be his whole self on the Undisputed Podcast. He just always seems to be at a cookout in the best way.


June 5, 2019

Thought of the day:

I wonder what the next big leap in du-rag technologies will be… Hair regrowth? Line-up enhancer?


June 4, 2019

Question of the day:

You ever order a bagel sandwich “on everything” and wonder if the cashier, for a second, just thinks you really want that sandwich?


June 3, 2019

The real issues:

Oh ok, so y’all gonna act like I’m the only one outraged by this 8-way spelling be tie?


May 31, 2019

Thought of the day:

Remember when we was out here eating unsalted caramel like some chumps?


May 30, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I hope to one day live in a world that accepts me for who I am. I don’t like avocados but I do have feelings.


May 29, 2019

Milestones:

I’ve finally reached the point where my ass has beaten my stretchy khakis into submission and I no longer look like a male figure skater.


May 28, 2019

Obscure holidays:

Happy National Meat Sweats Day!


May 24, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I’m glad the Stairmaster doesn’t have feelings or emotions because I said some truly vile things to it last night.


May 23, 2019

Hot takes:

I feel like y’all are trying to baconify too many things at this point. There, I said it.


May 22, 2019

Wellness:

When the workday starts to bog you down today, just think about eating a watermelon with the smell of barbecue in your nostrils, and try not to smile.


May 21, 2019

Hot takes:

“I don’t like the word ‘meal’. It’s very condescending.” ~Anonymous


May 20, 2019

Entertainment:

If we’re being honest, a Game of Thrones series finale never had a chance at making us happy.


May 17, 2019

Business advice:

Is somebody going to come out with a cereal called “Bran Flakes” with Bran Stark on the cover or do I have to make all this money myself?


May 16, 2019

Sports:

I think the NBA just proved the draft lottery is 100% NOT fixed. With the Knicks and Lakers in contention, the Pelicans and Grizzlies get the top two? No fix here.


May 15, 2019

Sports:

Thanks, NBA Draft Lottery, for burying Zion in New Orleans for 4 years. Real nice.


May 14, 2019

Breaking News:

Mr. Glass has taken responsibility for the events at Kings Landing


May 13, 2019

Sports and entertainment:

Last night I watched a cold-blooded killer decimate an entire city, then, after the 76ers game, I watched Game of Thrones.


May 3, 2019

Thought of the day:

I’m not sure what to look at now that I’ve seen ‘Endgame’ and GoT is coming to an end… Where do I look?


May 2, 2019

Behind the curtain:

If I go to a Halloween party this year, I’m going as Bran Stark so I can sit down and not talk to people the whole time.


May 1, 2019

Politics:

Breaking: Arya Stark has announced her candidacy for the Democratic bid for the Presidency.


April 30, 2019

Thought of the day:

Brienne of Tarth becoming a knight is one of the most unsung achievements in the history of the women’s movement.


April 29, 2019

Business advice:

Disney should buy the rights to the Night King right now and put him in Marvel movies thus making them the most powerful company in the world.


April 19, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I wonder if 2019 will be the year I finally find the time and patience to test out the time-lapse video function on my phone?…


April 18, 2019

Behind the curtain:

My adventures in hypothetical baby naming:

Me. How about Rhubarb for a girl?

Wife: No.

Me: Does it make it any better if it’s short for Rhubarbara?

Wife: No.


April 17, 2019

Sports:

There’s nothing sadder in sports that a pre-fight interview with a boxer who already knows he’s going to lose.


April 16, 2019

Politics:

Breaking: The entire cast of Hamilton has announced their candidacy for the Democratic bid for the Presidency.


April 15, 2019

Sports:

The only evidence I need that Tiger Woods is still a cultural phenomenon is that I voluntarily watched an hour of golf yesterday.


April 12, 2019

Decode my dream:

Barack Obama was fixing the sink in a public bathroom. I didn’t see him when I walked into the stall but I recognized the voice saying “Mr. Bullock, is that you?” I said, “Hey, Mr. President! I’d shake your hand but I’ve got a situation over here.”


April 11, 2019

Question of the day:

Do you think Lebron James will consider joining The Monstars in Space Jam 2?


April 10, 2019

Sports:

…Just when you thought you’d seen Magic’s whole repertoire of shifty moves…


April 9, 2019

Sports:

Welp… see you next March, collegiate athletics.


April 8, 2019

Wife philosophies:

My wife on needing a place to hang her purse: “I’d never eat at a restaurant with rounded chair backs that was designed by a woman, because she dumb.”


April 5, 2019

Behind the curtain:

My cubicle neighbor keeps singing and humming the song ‘Electric Avenue’ by Eddy Grant and I can’t help but think she’s trying to give me some kind of hidden message.


April 4, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I recently decided to make a conscious effort to be less antisocial. This past weekend, one of the first times I decided to fight the urge to ignore a stranger attempting to have a conversation with me, he tells me about his first date with someone he met on a fetish website who’s into BDSM. My question is, are y’all getting these types of stories all the time?


April 3, 2019

Just a thought:

I think offices are going to progressively resemble gyms from here out. Stand-up desks are already prevalent; next will be stationary bike office chairs and cubicle climbing walls.


April 2, 2019

Conspiracy theories:

I’m pretty sure we have the technology to prevent your toe from tearing through the front of your sock. Why are they keeping it from us?


April 1, 2019

Sports PSA:

Your bracket is garbage.


March 29, 2019

Behind the curtain:

You don’t know true embarrassment until you accidentally say “bye” to the person on the other side of the drive-through speaker then have to see him again to pick up your food.


March 28, 2019

PSA:

If you heard that ‘Avengers: Endgame’ is three hours long and you had the thought, “that’s too long,” then I’m not going to be able to handle your negativity during the movie-going experience.


March 27, 2019

Pop culture:

I’m so confused. So, the Smollett Boyz did beat up Jussie… and they had a pre-existing relationship with Jussie? So, my question becomes, what type of shady shit is Jussie into?


March 26, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I realize how much I love my wife every morning when I wake up on my 3-foot isosceles triangle portion of our bed harboring no resentment whatsoever.


March 25, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I finally obtained the level of political detachment I’ve been striving for… just in time for 2020 election talk to reach nuclear levels.


March 22, 2019

Just a thought:

You really want to freak people out? Bring a glass of milk with you to a place you have no means of getting one. Like just have an open top, full glass (actual glass) with you in line at the post office or at a department store.


March 21, 2019

PSA:

You can make a playlist solely comprised of songs featuring T-Pain and your party shall be lit.


March 20, 2019

Sports (NFL Analysis):

Giants keep Eli

Giants trade Odell for a peanut butter sandwich

Eli can’t get rid of the ball

Eli gets hit by a linebacker and disintegrates into powder

Eli gets killed over a peanut butter sandwich


March 19, 2019

Sports:

If you’ve never heard the name “Zion Williamson” be prepared for it to punch you in the face every day for three weeks.


March 18, 2019

Sports:

With the Cleveland Browns projecting to be good next year, I imagine Cleveland fans are like a falsely imprisoned inmate getting out after 20 years and trying to figure out how to deal with freedom.


March 15, 2019

PSA:

Some of y’all don’t have a tight enough relationship with it to be calling it “the gym.” Y’all should refer to it as “the James.”


March 14, 2019

Business advice:

If Amazon were as smart as me they’d, program Alexa to respond to “Hey Siri” by playing 10 seconds of loud music then asking you what you need.


March 13, 2019

Conspiracy theories:

Aren’t we overlooking the obvious? I’m pretty sure the Smollett Boyz are powering the R. Kelly scandal engine as a diversion.


March 12, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I have to admit: Sometimes, when I go into a fancy, high-dollar, retail shop and I’m getting the sideways glances from the staff that sometimes come with it, I’m just waiting for someone to say something so I can have my civil rights moment.


March 11, 2019

John’s Philosophies:

John on his own marriage:

“Woke up looking at the same face this morning. People say that’s a good thing. I’m not so sure.”


March 6, 2019

Thought of the day:

I wouldn’t be surprised if Chick fil-A instituted a policy of mandatory free car washes while you wait in the drive-thru.


March 5, 2019

Eternal questions:

Is there a such thing as chalance or just nonchalance?


March 4, 2019

Eternal questions:

Is it an unwritten rule that your house guests are not to have sex in your guest room or an unspoken understanding that they will?


February 25, 2019

Stranger than fiction:

Good luck with that: https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/weird/Philadelphia-Steel-Furnace-Brewerytown-Fairmount-Letter-Reddit-Memes-Social-Media-506062211.html


February 22, 2019

Bold prediction:

I think Jussie Smollett’s goons (henceforth known as The Smollett Boyz) tampered with Zion Williamson’s shoe and will continue their careers as low-grade hit-men for hire.


February 21, 2019

Pop culture:

I’m probably a bad person for this, but I can’t wait to find out all the ways Jussie Smollett botched this staged hate crime.


February 20, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Nothing makes my workday like someone unexpectedly dropping a “real talk” to begin a business conversation.


February 19, 2019

Wisdoms:

You can only truly question a person twice about something you think they did. The third time is an accusation.


February 18, 2019

Sports:

I love the NBA All Star game but it’s starting to feel like another 3-Point Shootout.


February 15, 2019

Just a thought:

I never knew flu shot elitists were a thing until this week. My coworker (who didn’t get a flu shot) got the flu and I overheard my other coworker say the equivalent of “well, that’s what your punk ass gets!”


February 14, 2019

PSA:

If you’re feeling down this Valentine’s Day because you don’t have a partner, don’t fret. Remind yourself that you didn’t like this holiday even when you did have someone.


February 13, 2019

The real issues:

So, do y’all know what both “Ms” in M&Ms stand for, or are we just assuming it’s nothing sketchy?


February 12, 2019

PSA:

It’s 2 days until Valentine’s Day and you forgot again. Damn. Go ahead and put in for your half day on Thursday so you can go to the grocery store, flower shop, fancy wine place and the lingerie store before you get home.


February 11, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I love when people preface a description with “…this is a bad example, but…”

It allows me to invoke my “I still don’t understand what you’re saying” face right from the onset so the person I’m talking to can strive for greatness.


February 4, 2019

Travel tips:

At the very least, know enough of the local language to not be kidnapped.


January 31, 2019

Office etiquette:

If you have a community container of spoons in the office kitchen, should you put the spoons in scoop side down or up? If the scoop side is up, you’ve got other people’s fingers touching all over where your mouth will be – scoop side down and the scoop is scraping up whatever is on the bottom of that container.


January 30, 2019

Behind the curtain:

Had a dream last night that I left work without saying goodbye to people and my friend gave me a look of contempt… literally had a nightmare about being rude. These are the things that frighten me. This is my story.


January 29, 2019

Behind the curtain:

You can’t imagine how frustrating it is to work in the produce industry with someone with the last name ‘Raab’ and still have no clear path to the nickname “broccoli Raab.”


January 28, 2019

PSA:

I don’t know what her angle would be but I can’t shake the feeling that Marie Kondo is setting us up for disappointment. I know she seems like an angel but don’t give her your whole heart. I just don’t want you to get hurt again.


January 25, 2019

Sports:

The NFL Pro Bowl should be an awards ceremony followed by a flag football game. No reason these dudes need to risking their careers and millions of dollars over a bullshit game that doesn’t matter.


January 24, 2019

Office wins:

I have a picture of my coworker as a child on my mouse pad, which she gave me as a joke. One of my greatest joys at work is when someone comes to my desk for the first time and has to decide whether or not to address it.


January 23, 2019

Politics:

With due respect and apologies to Kamala Harris, what the Democratic Party needs right now is a tall, white, Christian man.


January 22, 2019

John’s Philosophies:

On my recent marriage:

“I did that for 30 years and that was more than enough”


January 21, 2019

Behind the curtain:

I’m sure some people ask themselves what type of person would name their pet a regular-ass human name like “Larry” or “Susan.” I’m that guy.


January 18, 2019

Fact of the day:

50% of made up statistics are actually accurate.


January 17, 2019

John’s Philosophies:

John on Nick Foles’ game-sealing interception:

“They kicked me out of my brother-in-law’s house. Everyone was upset but I stood up and cheered.”


January 16, 2019

Politics:

Democrats might as well start working on The Great Wall Compromise of 2019. There is no doubt that Trump will let this country go to absolute shit before he backs down from this wall standoff.


January 15, 2019

Breaking news:

Otters look like Wilford Brimley.


January 14, 2019

The real issues:

I don’t think scrapple has plateaued. If you get a good marketing team behind it with premium, organic ingredients, it could be the pate’ of breakfast meats.


January 11, 2019

John’s Philosophies:

John on bringing in donuts for the team:

“I had those one time and my teeth were cracking… too sweet.”


January 10, 2019

John’s Philosophies:

There’s a gentleman that works in my office building who may be the most curmudgeonly person I’ve ever met. He often shares his wisdom with me and, when the gems are particularly bright, I’ll share them with you. Here’s the first of many:

“Technology: Stick it up your ass.”


January 9, 2019

In-depth political coverage:

Looks like the president hit our coal workers with the ol’ flimflam.


January 8, 2019

Sports minute:

So can we not disrespect Clemson all next season like y’all did this season?


January 7, 2019

Just a thought:

I have no idea if Christmas stockings fit on human feet. Has anyone tested this?


January 4, 2019

The real issues:

Look, call it whatever you want to and bake it in whatever vessel makes you feel better, but banana bread is cake.


January 3, 2019

Just a thought:

It’s NFL playoff season. Time to find out where friendships and church rank on your priority list.


January 2, 2019

Resolutions:

I hope everyone is ready for 6 weeks of strictly regimented exercise and 46 weeks of the opposite of that.


January 1, 2019

Happy New Year:

Here’s hoping people are less awful in 2019.


December 31, 2018

Resolutions:

Be honest with yourself in 2019. If you know that you’re going to go to the gym for all of a week before you quit, just don’t bother. There are only so many machines to go around. 


December 21, 2018

Season’s greetings:

So Henry Ruschmann just gets to invent glitter, die and let us all deal with the aftermath? That’s pretty much an act of terror. 


December 20, 2018

Season’s greetings:

This time of year it’s easy to get caught up in material things and overindulgence but it’s important for all of us to keep in mind what Christmas Day is all about: Basketball… ALL DAY! #ballislife


December 19, 2018

Behind the curtain:

I just drove for a full mile at 25 mph due to one driver who wanted to go the speed limit. Searching for a therapist now.


December 18, 2018

PSA:

You never have to have the difficult conversation with your child about Santa not being real. All you have to do is make Santa’s gifts worse year after year and your gifts progressively better. By the time you get to the age where your kid is too old to be believing in Santa, he or she is going to be saying:

“I don’t really fuck with Santa like that anyways.”


December 17, 2018

Shout out:

All respect due to my uncle Kenny. Now that I have the emotional maturity and sophistication to truly appreciate new socks, I realize how thoughtful you were throughout my childhood.


December 14, 2018

Question of the day:

Does anyone take things to the lower echelon or are we only talking about progress when we’re speaking on echelons?


December 13, 2018

Just a thought:

I wonder how the pitch meeting for Pixie Sticks Candy went… I imagine something like this:

“Ok, have any of you ever tried cocaine? Well, picture that but for children.”


December 12, 2018

The real issues:

Did people find the show “The Beverly Hillbillies” offensive during its time or do hillbillies have a really good sense of humor?


December 11, 2018

We need answers:

DC cinematic leadership, are you going to give us a respectable Mr. Freeze or nah? You owe us after that Schwarzenegger bullshit.


December 10, 2018

Office etiquette:

If your boss isn’t beefing with someone’s date at the holiday party, you didn’t turn up all the way.


December 7, 2018

FYI:

Look, we all get it. You’re a little quirky and you do things a little differently. But stop pouring your milk before your cereal. Everyone knows that’s objectively wrong and you’re making a fool of yourself.


December 6, 2018

Just a thought:

There isn’t much more demoralizing than accidentally dropping an entire new roll of toilet paper into the toilet. Complete helplessness.


December 5, 2018

Business advice:

If I ran a company I’d hire Ray Lewis to do motivational speeches and Morgan Freeman to fire people. I feel like no one would ever quit and those we let go would go on to pursue their dreams.


December 4, 2018

PSA:

It’s office holiday party season. Please keep in mind that, just because the company is buying the drinks, doesn’t mean you can’t pay the price. Stay classy.


December 3, 2018

Etiquette:

What’s the man-code sanctioned punishment for a man littering in another man’s yard? Take one thumb but not two?


November 30, 2018

Behind the curtain:

I can tell that I’m going to be that old guy who complains about the wait service at restaurants. I’m sick of you young punks’ attitude already.


November 29, 2018

Politics:

The Trump administration is planning to ban bump stops. As a democrat, I’m puzzled because Trump did a thing but I’m not sure how to go about criticizing it.


November 28, 2018

Question of the day:

If we’re just looking at today, is Christmas a Christian holiday or a Capitalist holiday?


November 27, 2018

PSA:

How many lives is it going to cost us before we realize that lettuce is poison?


November 26, 2018

Just a thought:

There are very few occurrences which can evoke a comparable feeling of hopelessness and dread one gets when arriving to work and realizing you’ve forgotten your laptop.


November 21, 2018

PSA:

When you’re traveling this weekend and you’re stuck in traffic and road rage starts to seep in and you’re on the edge of doing something dramatic, keep in mind that there are millions of people out there that are much crazier than you.


November 20, 2018

Behind the curtain:

Office potluck today… wishing my branch good luck in the productivity department.


November 19, 2018

Office heroes:

Salute to all my warriors who are putting in four days of work this week. May that arduous journey to work on Friday be made marginally more pleasant by the knowledge that you are recognized for your bravery.


November 16, 2018

Mysteries of the universe:

Why didn’t Dunkin Donuts make the drive-through window wide enough to fit a box of donuts through without turning it sideways?


November 15, 2018

The real issues:

So, having not cried at my wedding, am I no longer allowed to cry tears of joy about anything?


November 14, 2018

Behind the curtain:

I just want to be as excited about anything as everyone is about being the next contestant on The Price is Right.


November 13, 2018

Proverbs:

“If you’re not having any of your own dish at the Thanksgiving potluck, don’t be surprised if no one else does either.”

~Confucius


November 12, 2018

The real issues:

There are a lot of truly delicious vegan foods out there but, if I’m being honest, not much sounds sadder to me than vegan Thanksgiving.


November 9, 2018

The real issues:

If you don’t eat pork because of religious reasons or health reasons, I’ve got no issues with you. Live your best life. But don’t come to me with that turkey bacon is better than pork bacon nonsense. Grow up.


November 8, 2018

Deep thoughts:

How often does the name “Nat King Cole” come up throughout the course of the rest of the year? I’m just saying, now’s his time.


November 7, 2018

The real issues:

First of all, Wolf Blitzer should be a bounty hunter or a sports analyst. Secondly, CNN should hire sports analysts to break down the poll map during elections. Let the experts do what they do.


November 6, 2018

PSA:

You’ve got 2 weeks to hit the gym regularly and get into good enough shape to go crazy at Thanksgiving dinner and be back to the shape you’re in right now.


November 5, 2018

Politics:

If you don’t vote because you don’t trust the voting process, I don’t agree with you but I understand your point. However, don’t then go play the lottery on blind faith. At least voting is free.


November 2, 2018

New law:

My apologies to the giant, excessively hairy 12 year olds of the world, but if you come to my door next Halloween and you’re over 6 feet tall or look like you may have driven to my neighborhood, I’m not giving you candy. I’m giving you a job application.


November 1, 2018

PSA:

Millions more breakfasts will include Snickers, Reese’s and M&Ms alongside of the coffee today. Prepare yourself for a wild morning, a jittery lunch and a sleepy afternoon.


October 31, 2018

Happy Halloween:

Does anyone actually choose plain M&Ms over the upgrade options? They might as well be a bag of Advil tablets compared to Peanut Butter M&Ms.


October 30, 2018

Behind the curtain:

I’m normally a laid back guy but one thing I can’t abide is in-game Connect Four sideline coaches. I didn’t sign up to play both of y’all!


October 29, 2018

PSA:

You’re at the office. It’s 6:55am. You’ve trying to engage with someone but have gotten one-word answers to your first three small-talk questions. Maybe give it some time before asking that fourth.


October 26, 2018

Real talk:

Eddie Murphy could sneeze in my oatmeal right now, without repercussion, if he would promise to make another Beverly Hills Cop.


October 25, 2018

Baby names:

I’ve learned that my wife lacks the creativity to properly appreciate the beautiful baby names I’m constantly coming up with. With no baby in sight and without the proper approvals to utilize the names, I’m going to start sharing them with you:

Chorizo Calzone


October 24, 2018

Office champions:

Shout out to my boss, who posed the question “when does Kwanza start?” to my team without even glancing at a black person. The HR department shed a tear of joy.


October 23, 2018

Behind the curtain:

Remember when Trey Songz called himself “Mr. Steal-yo-girl”? It made me consider what my nickname in that regard would be, and I came up with: “Mr. Make-yo-girl-feel-safe-and-respected-while-you-go-get-her-a-drink-then-bid-you-both-a-good-evening” …so I decided not to become an R&B singer.


October 22, 2018

The real issues:

I don’t understand the obsession with fruit picking. When folks approach me all animated and jovial, and say “let’s go apple picking!” My first thought (and sometimes reply) is “…why?”


October 17, 2018

Behind the curtain:

For me, becoming an adult meant embracing the F.O.E. (Family Over Everything) mentality. I didn’t realize at the time I took that path that basketball and video games would sometimes be part of “everything” but having a wife is pretty cool in it’s own right.


October 18, 2018

The real issues:

When are we as a society going to finally expose white chocolate as non-chocolate and stop telling lies?


October 17, 2018

Behind the curtain:

You know you’ve hit a milestone in the aging process when you start drinking hot lemon water.


October 16, 2018

Sports:

It’s that magical time in October when MLB Playoffs, NFL and NBA are all going at the same time. Good luck trying to get my attention, everything else on TV.


October 15, 2018

Entertainment:

Kanye West is the closest anyone has ever been to actually being physically in another person’s pocket.


October 10, 2018

Behind the curtain:

I’m, generally, an easy-going guy but I do have an unhealthy, preoccupying hatred for both mosquitoes and the cereal dust that collects at the bottom of a cereal bag.


October 9, 2018

Unpopular opinions:

Maybe it’s time to spice up the national anthem a little bit… maybe put a rap break in there… maybe some accordion.


October 8, 2018

PSA:

You may think it’s Halloween season but, like it or not, as soon as the temperature drops a little bit, it’s Christmas season.


October 5, 2018

Product review:

La Croix drinks taste like if you ate a Flintstones chewable vitamin before bed then woke up and drank some carbonated water.


October 4, 2018

This is America:

My biggest fear is that Trump is going to use these Presidential Alerts like an extension of Twitter:

PRESIDENTIAL ALERT: MJ is better than Lebron IMO

PRESIDENTIAL ALERT: New law: NFL players aren’t allowed to kneel or sit down under any circumstances. EVER!

PRESIDENTIAL ALERT: We have the biggest and most best Army #amirite


October 3, 2018

This is America:

Trump speaking about Kavanaugh sounds like if someone surprisingly asked you to say a few words at someone’s funeral whom you didn’t know very well.


September 10, 2018

This is America:

I think Trump politics during the NFL season may be akin to a child’s behavior when the babysitter isn’t watching.


September 7, 2018

Music:

The Hip Hop community would like to thank Machine Gun Kelly for what’s about to happen to you.


September 6, 2018

Business advice:

Nike should do a new campaign with Trump as the face of it so all those dummies who burned their stuff will buy replacements. Then, they should release a statement saying they’ve been hacked so the original campaign supporters will buy back the stuff they burned due to Trump.


September 5, 2018

PSA:

Other rappers need to start treating Eminem like Pennywise. Stop showing him attention or he’s going to slaughter you.


September 4, 2018

Current events:

Over/under level 10 (out of 10) ridiculousness and negative overreaction to Colin Kaepernick being the front man of the new Nike campaign?


August 31, 2018

Fashion:

I don’t know if linen is in or out and I don’t want to know. I feel like there’s the potential for an irresponsible amount of linen in my summer wardrobe if I had the go-ahead.


August 30, 2018

Never let go:

We’re just out-thinking ourselves. Y’all didn’t have to unplanetize Pluto. At most, you should’ve just stopped talking about it and hope no one noticed.


August 29, 2018

Never let go:

Do this: Look up an image of the Washington Redskins logo without the words “Washington Redskins.” Then, repeat the word “redskins” 10 times while staring at the image. Don’t you feel a little racist?


August 28, 2018

Fair analogy?:

Coffee : Sugary, whipped cream topped coffee thing :: Grape juice : Purple drank


August 27, 2018

Question of the day:

Is the Hokey Pokey well-accepted in hardcore country line dancing circles?


August 24, 2018

Language:

I have to admit that I have no idea where the term “high horse” comes from. Did “get off your high horse” once translate more literally? Was the horse especially tall? Is there a low horse?


August 23, 2018

Minority or majority:

If you’re like me, you’ve heard ‘Electric Boogie’ 1.75 million times but know about 5% of the words.


August 22, 2018

PSA:

When the National Weather Service issues a “Small Craft Advisory” it has nothing to do with UFOs or whittling… just wanted to spare you the disappointment.


August 21, 2018

Never let go:

Hold up… Did Fat Joe brag about winning a basketball league championship by forfeit?


August 20, 2018

Etiquette:

Every office needs an enforcer to keep the kitchen/break room in order. Someone has to keep the office savages in line.


August 17, 2018

Language:

The word “colonel” used to be pronounced phonetically, then someone just said “fuck it… I’m not saying all that.” Who was that person? Someone needs to tell his/her story.


August 16, 2018

Slogans:

Las Vegas: “I’m never doing that again… until next time.”


August 15, 2018

Social constructs:

Hugs should be considered weirder than they are. Watch me describe one:

“Hey, next time we see each other, let’s press our bodies together real quick before our conversation.”


August 14, 2018

Language:

“Biblical” should be an official category of thunderstorm for the national weather service. If you received the notification on your phone, “Biblical Thunderstorm starting at 7:34pm,” you’d know exactly what was up.


August 13, 2018

Wishful thinking:

Maybe if we all, collectively, fail to acknowledge the existence of September, we can hold on to Summer for another month.


August 10, 2018

Social responsibility:

I actually have to commend the founders of Aunt Jemima products. It’s not the most racially sensitive packaging in the world but, having been founded in the 1800s, it could’ve been much worse.


August 9, 2018

Pro tip:

If you want to find out how closely your boss is watching you, just keep a glass of scotch on your desk – not in plain sight, but not completely obscured either. They probably won’t fire you and you’ll know how long of a leash you have.


August 8, 2018

Thought of the day:

I need to be handled like a child when I’m at the beach: food on hand in case I get cranky, a cool drink, a shady spot, a clean space for a nap, and a watchful eye in case I wonder too far into the water.


August 7, 2018

Thought of the day:

There are few things sadder than the guy selling flowers at the club, walking the streets after closing time with flowers still in his hands.


August 6, 2018

Fitness:

If you’ve ever spat profanity at a treadmill you were using at a public gym, then you and I are in similar cardiovascular situations.


August 3, 2018

Sports:

I wish MLB teams would stop punishing these players over racist/sexist tweets so we could get their authentic reactions to this stuff coming to light. Just once I’d like to see one of them double down on their bigotry and that’s never going to happen if you’re holding a match to their money.


August 2, 2018

Sports:

NFL football is back and it’s time once again to ask ourselves: “am I willing to suspend my moral objections for great television?” Yes. Yes we are.


August 1, 2018

Pop culture:

Beyonce and Jay Z are so rich that, at the age of 36, I’m considering putting myself into the foster care system for the off chance that they might adopt me.


July 31, 2018

Thought of the day:

I know I’m getting old because when I go to concerts and see women wearing next to nothing my first thought is: “Who is this for?”


July 30, 2018

Deep thoughts:

If I could choose a low-grade super power it would be the ability to telepathically tell someone that they have a boogey situation or something in their teeth. They wouldn’t know the message was coming from me; they’d just take care of the situation and we could be acquaintances again.


July 27, 2018

Sports talk:

Remember the game Simon? I think Simon should be an event in the winter Olympics. Olympic Simon and Team Olympic Simon – people will watch.


July 26, 2018

Politics:

What if it turned out that the ‘Walk of Fame’ star was the source of Trump’s power, not the U.S. Presidency? The vandal would be in a whole different light.


July 25, 2018

Thought of the day:

If you think about it, the person who invented breath mints had to have had selfish motives. If he had himself in mind, obviously, he’s curing his own problem. If he had someone else in mind he was tired of smelling that person’s breath.


July 24, 2018

Thought of the day:

Saw a bird trapped under a literal glass ceiling in front of my office building on my way into work. I’m pretty sure that increases the odds of someone quitting today.


July 23, 2018

Sports talk:

If the unthinkable happnes and Kawhi stays in Toronto and that leads to a chip, does Drake deserve a ring?


July 20, 2018

Culinary corner:

I personally enjoy scrapple but, if you’ve ever tried, you know that it’s virtually impossible to simultaneously describe it and make it sound appetizing. To convince someone to try it requires the same level of trust it would take to convince them you’re fit to take care of their children.


July 19, 2018

Health tips:

Sugary breakfast cereal isn’t good for you but it’s better for you than ice cream. Every now and then, replace your ice cream binge with a Cinnamon Toast Crunch binge and be proud of your new clean-eating lifestyle.


July 18, 2018

News:

Lebron (the best player in the world) comes to your team and you deface his mural?.. Do the people of Los Angeles understand how basketball works?


July 17, 2018

Fake myths:

Hiccups are your body’s way of telling you to shut up for a little while.


July 16, 2018

Question of the day:

Have you ever had your English corrected by an English person? …Very hard to argue.


July 13, 2018

Business:

Hershey’s needs to put a better street team around the 5th Avenue candy bar. At least make Butterfinger work a little for the throne.


July 12, 2018

A day in the life:

Sometimes, when you’re color blind, you don’t know that you’ve bought green pants until someone tells you that you’re wearing green pants and you just have to become a colorful pants type of guy.


July 11, 2018

Salute:

Much respect due to Jerry Seinfeld and his “what’s the deal with…” brand of comedy, which paved the way for my reviews of ice cream sandwiches and frisee salad.


July 10, 2018

Office heroes:

Salute to “inappropriate joke guy.” Your crass and thoughtless antics helps to insure the antics of others are not placed under the microscope.


July 9, 2018

If you ask me:

Coffee is the most disappointing beverage. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy coffee, but if it tasted like it smells it would essentially be opium.


July 6, 2018

Breaking news:

The Golden State Warriors sign Ma-Ti from the Planeteers to a 1-year, $5.5M contract.


July 5, 2018

Breaking news:

The Golden State Warriors sign Dr. Strange to a 1-year, $5.5M contract.


July 4, 2018

Breaking news:

The Golden State Warriors sign Optimus Prime to a 1-year, $5.5M contract.


July 3, 2018

Breaking news:

The Golden State Warriors sign Kratos, from the God of War video game series to a 1-year, $5.5M contract.


July 2, 2018

Consider this:

When the Cleveland Cavaliers retire Lebron James’ jersey, Cavs fans will have purchased and burned it twice already.


June 29, 2018

Psychology:

I don’t think I have time in my life for people who don’t like tacos. There are just too many variations to categorically denounce them and  I feel like you may be too needy.


June 28, 2018

Politics:

It’s fair to assume Justice Kennedy had a little bit of dirt on him, right?


June 27, 2018

Thought of the day:

Think of abbreviated words like “deli,” “legit,” or “TV.” As a people, we are too lazy for words longer than 3 syllables.


June 26, 2018

Thought of the day:

I wonder what percentage of the U.S. and world population feel the same way about the Trump administration as Sweet Brown felt about anything interrupting her cold pop.


June 25, 2018

Facts:

97% of the U.S. nerd population has already signed up for Space Force.


June 22, 2018

Thought of the day:

I just realized that I’ve been on Facebook for over a decade… Not sure what to do with that.


June 21, 2018

Pro tip:

If you want to discover which of your friends are the realest, host a dinner party and serve T-bone steak, cheese eggs and Welch’s grape juice. The cream will rise to the top.


June 20, 2018

Business:

I wonder how Jay Z’s interview with Puma went… does his list of references on his resume just say, “Everybody?”

Skills: “Yes”

Other Skills: “I’m a hustla”

Other Other Skills: “Ask about me”

School: “Hard Knocks”

Accolades: “Just shot a music video in The Louvre with my wife, Beyonce”


June 19, 2018

Business:

Not sure what’s taking Marvel so long to release an ICO for a crypto currency called “Vibranium.” They’d be figuratively and, almost literally, printing money.


June 18, 2018

Welp:

Just when you thought it was time to stop talking about basketball….


June 6, 2018

PSA:

When a stranger holding a protest sign asks you, “sir, are you a Christian?” as you walk by, the proper response is continued walking by.


June 5, 2018

This day in history:

On this day in history French madam, Cecilia D’oeuvres, invented hors d’oeuvres as an inexpensive way to feed the ladies in her employ. Ironically, she’d go on to marry Spaniard Merchant, Cristobal Tapas, with whom I’m sure you’re already familiar.


June 4, 2018

Thought of the day:

I don’t know that we as a people ever properly harnessed Popomatic technology. There are limitless applications beyond the ‘Trouble’ board game that we have yet to explore.


June 1, 2018

Thought of the day:

Let’s not overreact about the disrespectfulness of Pusha T’s Drake diss. Y’all are the same folks who laughed when Kevin Garnett said Melo’s wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.


May 31, 2018

Financial planning:

I recently joked to my fiancé about becoming a stay-at-home dad and she was surprisingly into it… Then, out of nowhere, the “Golden Ticket” song from ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ started to play.


May 30, 2018

Question of the day:

When are older folks going to realize that Twitter is designed to ruin your life?


May 29, 2018

Question of the day:

Can you tune out an entire presidential administration? Check back in 2 years.


May 25, 2018

Mental health:

Do you ever take an entire weekend to just not be giving a shit?… Like you know going into it that you have zero shits to give for a couple of days? Treat yourself.


May 24, 2018

Thought of the day:

For most of your life, Memorial Day weekend is about food and being outside together – except for that portion of your life when it’s about watching folks get married.


May 23, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Black folks love Kanye West so much that we know he’s saying stuff for publicity and it still disappoints us.


May 22, 2018

 Question of the day:

At what age can one begin using “I’m pushing 40” as an excuse to not do stuff?


May 21, 2018

 The real issues:

I saw a Wendy’s $0.50 Frosty commercial, which, inexplicably, did not feature, rapper, 50 Cent in the ad. Big miss, Wendy’s.


May 18, 2018

 The real issues:

I have no idea what’s healthy to eat anymore. Like orange juice – fruit is good but there’s got to be too much sugar in there, right?


May 17, 2018

 Time capsule:

Remember this week in history as the week we were divided by an audio clip. Laurel? Yanny? Why can we all just be wrong like usual.


May 16, 2018

 Question of the day:

Pittsburghers: What’s the etymology of the word “yins”? Is it a contraction of something? No judgement, just trying to figure out how we got to this place.


May 15, 2018

 Silver lining:

Of course we can’t tolerate the type of discrimination we witnessed at the Starbucks in Philadelphia, but on a positive note, since it was in the news, black folks now have a place to loiter with impunity. You will not be kicked out of Starbucks at 18th and Spruce.


May 14, 2018

 Thought of the day:

When gay people use the word “gay” as a negative descriptor, in that way you’re not supposed to use the word “gay,” it’s hilarious every time.


May 11, 2018

PSA:

Make sure to call your mother this weekend, send her a nice gift and play for her the greatest Mother’s Day song ever created: ‘Treat Her Right’ by Mr. T.


May 10, 2018

 Time machine:

Shout out to my people who remember when Top Ramen was Oodles of Noodles and to those same people who, like me, completely disregarded the words on the package and called it Oodles and Noodles.


May 9, 2018

 Thought of the day:

People with allergies aside, I don’t know what to say to folks who don’t like peanut butter. It’s perfect.


May 8, 2018

 Quick Review: Avengers: Infinity War

“Oh no he didn’t!” (read as sassily as possible)


May 7, 2018

 Thought of the day:

I truly respect and appreciate when a woman’s makeup matches the color of her neck.


May 4, 2018

 Pro tip:

You don’t have to sample everything at the potluck… but maybe just one more taco.


May 3, 2018

 Pro tip:

If someone starts a conversation with the any of the phrases: “believe me,” “trust me,” or “no offense,” prepare yourself for a horseshit conversation.


May 2, 2018

 Health tips:

You can trick your body into not being allergic to stuff. Just immerse/bombard your system with that stuff and (as long as you don’t die) you’ll lose the allergy.

Truth in Jest is not a medical physician and thus not responsible for your untimely death. In fact, this whole website is satirical. Truth in Jest advises you to not take medical advice from satirical websites.


May 1, 2018

 Question of the day:

Have any of you attempted or plan to attempt a “power hour” after the age of 32? We at Truth in Jest would love to document your death story.


April 30, 2018

 Culinary Corner:

Recipe for ambrosia (food of the Gods):

Ritz Crackers- dip in Nutella. Eat.


April 27, 2018

 The real issues:

I wonder if hipster fashion ages at the same rate as popular fashion? Will there be an intersection point where everyone who’s trying to be cool is wearing the same stuff as everyone who’s trying not to be? Is that true harmony?


April 26, 2018

 Question of the day:

What if you ordered “chicken fingers” at a place and they brought you actual chicken fingers? Would you have any grounds for complaint?


April 25, 2018

 Wonderful Earth:

How are some animals able to walk, fresh out of the womb? They’ve never even seen their own legs.


April 24, 2018

 Thought of the day:

You’ve never felt true rage until you’ve had a spectator try to assist your Connect Four opponent.


April 23, 2018

 PSA:

Black friends: Save a friend’s phone number in your phone under the contact name, “Black Militia.”If you are subject to any social injustices, call that friend and make sure your perpetrator sees who you’re a calling. Might not help but it’ll make them think twice at least.


April 20, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Josh Brolin is winning the movie game on the sly. #Cable #Thanos


April 19, 2018

 Thought of the day:

I wonder who was the first person to disrespect Yoda in a significant way post-Jedi training?… Yoda probably said some ill shit like “The wrong one, you have fucked with.”


April 18, 2018

 The real issues:

Statistically, someone has to be the worst able-minded person at Tic Tac Toe, right? I wonder how bad he/she actually is …and how it’s possible to be that bad?

April 17, 2018

 ‘Tis the season:

Is anyone putting research into NBA Playoff ADD?  It’s a real thing.


April 16, 2018

 Thought of the day:

I can’t imagine the feeling of joy and accomplishment a parent must feel when they see someone else’s kid acting out in a public place and their kid is being respectful. You get to judge others and feel good about yourself at the same time – it must feel like floating.


April 13, 2018

 PSA:

It’s going to be 80 degrees in Philadelphia for the first time this year. It’s “I can’t believe she’s wearing that” season, ladies. Prepare your shade-faces.


April 12, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Do you think airports have to specify “ground” transportation on their signage because some people would take them to mean “just some other planes?”


April 11, 2018

 “Joke” of the day:

If I were to say that Monks have the most sustainably farmed Qis would that do anything for you?


April 10, 2018

 Thought of the day:

As much as I try to rationalize it, I just can’t help but feeling a little shady when I use the Bcc email function.


April 9, 2018

 Thought of the day:

For those having babies this year or in the near future, chances are your kids will, at some point, have a classmate or friend named “T’Challa.”


April 6, 2018

 Business idea:

I’m going to start a social intern service. My reps will attend the social events you’re too busy to show up to or that lost out to a better event. Initially, your second-tier friends may be put off by your proxy attending their event instead of you but eventually they’ll just associate your intern’s presence with your own – and when the real you occasionally shows up it will be a special treat.


April 5, 2018

 The real issues:

Apparently, there are people who eat pork but don’t like the taste of bacon. That’s like saying “Cast Away is my favorite movie but I didn’t enjoy Tom Hanks’ performance.”


April 4, 2018

 Pro tip:

You want some incentive to floss everyday? Ask your dentist  to deep clean under your gum line.


April 3, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Have you ever held a frozen apple and thought about its destructive power?

…nah, me neither… but there had to be a lot more assaults with a frozen apple the farther you travel back through time. You’ll eventually get to the point were frozen apples are basically grenades.


April 2, 2018

 Question of the day:

Have you ever mindlessly tried to use your mouse to drag your cursor to something you were reading off-screen?

….nah, me neither.


March 30, 2018

 Salute:

Shout out to whoever invented the plastic flossers with the floss preloaded. The sausagely fingered among us and those of us with fingers too stupid to navigate traditional floss owe you a debt of gratitude.


March 29, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Ludacris has a chicken joint and it’s somehow not named “Ludacrisp Chicken.” …Not sure how you miss that one.


March 28, 2018

 Question of the day:

Is anyone tracking the murder rate of morning people on Monday mornings? I feel like it’s gotta be pretty high.


March 27, 2018

 Thought of the day:

It’s not officially Spring until the “sun’s out / guns out” rule is applicable on a daily basis.


March 26, 2018

 Pro tip:

“So’s your face” is always an appropriate retort to an insult. Whereas “your mom” is often spoiled by folks who’ve lost their mothers; those individuals clearly have faces to be ridiculed.


March 23, 2018

 Pro tip:

If your fiance’s mother asks you what her daughter’s favorite flower is, try to answer with something better than “purple.”


March 22, 2018

 Ghost-editor:

Ghost-writers are rampant in hip hop music, adding creativity and increasing the perceived skill level of the rappers they work with. I aim to carve out my niche as a ghost-editor, making rap bars more palatable and decipherable to the masses.

What Fabolous meant to say:

“If we’ve had sexual intercourse and your monthly menstruation period is late or hasn’t come at all (implying the possibility that you may be pregnant), I’m fleeing with the swiftness of a professional track athlete, thus relinquishing my duties as a father.

What Fabolous said:

“Y’all ain’t got ya men-is-trate – track star, fit’na skate – time is money and I can’t afford to be a minute late.”


March 21, 2018

 Revelations:

I once wanted to be an NBA player, so it’s a very humbling realization to think that if I attempted to defend anyone currently in the NBA, my ankles and knees would spontaneously combust.


March 20, 2018

 Office heroes:

The office mom:

Purse full of everything imaginable, heart full of love for her coworkers – the office mom somehow knows when you didn’t have time to have breakfast or need some encouragement. “Please have this inexplicable Pop Tart from my purse and this gentle pat on the back as well.” Salute


March 19, 2018

 Wisdoms:

One does not really know oneself until seeing oneself in a du-rag. ~Confucius


March 16, 2018

 Pro tip:

When someone asks you “what are you doing for St. Patrick’s Day?,” reply with “who is St. Patrick?,” and observe the many layers of confusion upon someone’s face.


March 15, 2018

 Finance:

I accidentally threw a quarter into the trash two years ago. I still think about that quarter, sometimes.


March 14, 2018

 Business advice:

From the mind that brought you CompliMINTS comes:

RetireMINTS: Mint candies with a little bit of weed in them, marketed toward retired people. RetireMINTS; because, why not?


March 13, 2018

 Quote of the day:

“If your favorite part of a brownie is the crispy edge, perhaps a chocolate cookie is what you seek.” ~Confuscius


March 12, 2018

 True confessions:

Today I strained a muscle in my butt cheek while clipping my toenails… and the end is near.


March 9, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Do you realize how confident the Devil had to be to choose an apple as the forbidden fruit, or to choose a fruit at all? He could’ve easily tempted Eve with the forbidden bacon and it would’ve been a lock but choosing an apple tells you how little he thought of humans.


March 8, 2018

 PSA:

If you’re not that into St. Patrick’s Day, you most likely forget every year that the celebration begins the weekend before. Beware of your local metropolis.


March 7, 2018

 IMO:

The Ewan McGregor/Jesus repost prank meme is low-key this generation’s Rickroll.


March 6, 2018

 Is it just me?…

…or did anyone else think today’s Google doodle was a festive celebration of Lionel Richie at first?


March 5, 2018

 Thought of the day:

All of this activism at these award shows is great but when are white men going to be represented?


March 2, 2018

 IMO:

Scallops are an underrated shellfish. First of all they’re pretty much preformed natural fish nuggets. Secondly, I like shrimp, but most shrimp preparations can be made with scallops. Scallop etouffe anyone? I’m just sayin’, I’m tired of the patriarchy marginalizing scallops.


March 1, 2018

 Pro tip:

Your car’s 6-disc cd changer is looking more and more like an 8-track player everyday. It may be time to end the relationship.


February 28, 2018

 Thought of the day:

The north pole just went above freezing in the middle of winter. Didn’t that happen in the movie ‘The Day After Tomorrow’? If anyone needs me, I’ll be with Dennis Quaid.


February 27, 2018

 Movies:

I really hope the ‘Taken’ movie franchise pushes the series to a ridiculous number of sequels like the ‘Fast and Furious’ franchise, to the point it becomes a parody of itself. I want to see ‘Taken 9: Taken to Space‘ where Neeson’s daughter gets strung out on cocaine and abducts his granddaughter to space on Virgin Galactic.


February 26, 2018

 Politics:

I wish that, during presidential debate season, just one of the debates was scored on a point system scoring how directly and/or completely the candidates answer each question. -2 points for any reference to a past administration, -5 points for each distortion of facts.


February 23, 2018

 Movies:

One of the best scenes in film history is when Daniel is about to kick Johnny in the face and he goes into the crane stance. The camera pans over to Mr. Miyagi and he has that look on his face like “Yaaassss! Do that shit I taught you on the beach, motherfucker!” Classic stuff.


February 22, 2018

 Question of the day:

Have you ever encountered someone for whom you couldn’t determine if his/her outfit was a costume or not? In these moments you have to ask yourself if you’re losing touch with reality or if people are just dressing more ridiculously.


February 21, 2018

 Thought of the day:

I bet the McGriddles pitch was the easiest/shortest pitch in McDonald’s history…

“Pancake buns with syrup on the inside.. We’re gonna put breakfast stuff on ’em.” – drops mic, flips table, walks out.


February 20, 2018

 Thought of the day:

If the Chapstick company revealed that they hide tiny diamonds in the bottoms of their tubes, how many of us would still have zero diamonds? Think about it and get your life together.


February 19, 2018

 Free advice:

If the success of, or fervor behind, the Black Panther movie creates any kind of negative feeling within you, you may need to consider the possibility that you’re a little racist… because it’s a movie.


February 16, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Captain Planet was clearly a black man, right?… High-top fade with the shag, hung out with Kwame from down the block, kept a few jawns  with him…


February 15, 2018

Question of the day:

50% of the US population cannot resist the urge to vocally or mentally complete the quote beginning with: “My name is Inigo Montoya…”


February 14, 2018

 Question of the day:

Is today Desperation Day in the Tinder world? I feel like it’s prime time for singles to be cleaning up.


February 13, 2018

 Soapbox:

Who is raising these children? They’re out here in these grocery stores putting two glass bottles in the same bag and double-bagging everything. So you don’t care if the bottles break you just want to make sure the fluid is contained in the bag?… so I’m carrying around a bag of free balsamic? Folks aren’t in it for the love no mo.


February 12, 2018

 Thought of the day:

I sure hope no scandals surface regarding the production of girl scout cookies. I don’t think I have the strength for that boycott.


February 9, 2018

 Office heroes:

The condiment guy (or gal):

Ketchup, mustard, soy sauce, two kinds of hot sauce, he’s got it all right there in his desk drawer. No longer need you suffer through dry-ass, reheated fried rice, without proper salty lubrication. Salute.


February 8, 2018

 Racist or nah?

Let’s say you’re in a Walgreen’s at 10pm, shopping for skin care products. Let’s say you’re a large black man. From the intercom, you hear “assistance needed in the skin care aisle.” Let’s say you’re the only person in the skin care aisle and definitely did not ask for help.

…racist or nah?


February 7, 2018

 PSA:

Valentine’s Day is one week away. There’s still time to save yourself expedited shipping fees. Do something sweet but do it as cheaply as possible.

#loveyourselftoo


February 6, 2018

 Question of the day:

If I proclaim that I’m going to start calling things “hogwash” and “hogwash” becomes a thing people say again, can we all agree that I personally brought back “hogwash?” I don’t have much…


February 5, 2018

News update:

Despite popular opinion, Philadelphia did not burn itself down after winning the Super Bowl… mostly because amateur fireworks and running naked with torches is not the most effective way of burning down a city.


February 2, 2018

 Business advice:

From the folks who brought you ‘EncourageMINTS’…

AccompaniMINTS: Mints designed to pair with and effectively freshen bad breath caused by notoriously odorous foods, such as onions, garlic, coffee and chit’lins.


February 1, 2018

The real issues:

Punxsutawney Phil accurately predicts the weather 39% of the time and still has his job but Colin Kaepernick completes 59% of his passes and can’t get a job in the NFL. #staywoke


January 31, 2018

 Thought of the day:

There should be a Samurai version of the Medieval Times restaurant.

…that’s not even a joke, just a good idea.


January 30, 2018

 Facts?

Many states that have legalized marijuana are considering legalizing medicinal cocaine to combat the recent laziness epidemic.


January 29, 2018

 Eternal questions:

Korean BBQ joints… Korean fried chicken joints… I feel like I’m being recruited. Are Koreans the country folks of Asia?


January 26, 2018

 Deep thoughts:

What if scientists discovered that magic is real but the only existing and possible application of it is Mr. Clean Magic Erasers? Would you be excited about magic being real or bummed that it’s pretty lame?


January 25, 2018

 Thought of the day:

In the dog vs. cat debate, cat people often say that cats have more character and there’s some truth to that… Although, you’d be a character too if you were in a constant state of potential spontaneous vomiting.


January 24, 2018

 Thought of the day:

…sooooo… does Mexico have that wall on lay-away or…?


January 23, 2018

 Basic stuff IDK:

Does the tambourine player in a band have other jobs too, like playing another instrument or carrying the equipment? Seems like a pretty big loophole if not. You can learn the tambourine in one sitting. Actually… yep; I just learned the tambourine.


January 22, 2018

 Pro tip:

Maybe just stay out of Philadelphia until this whole Eagles thing blows over.


January 19, 2018

 Pro tip:

If anyone says the phrase “I’m a vegetarian, except…” to you, feel free to stop listening immediately. They’re about to waste your time.


January 18, 2018

 Thought of the day:

35 is a strange age to be right now. I feel like no one is supposed to have knowledge of the existence of both EPMD and EDM.


January 16, 2018

 Thought of the day:

We could find out that the NFL is somehow responsible for the death of Dolores O’Riordan and the story would disappear by Super Bowl Sunday.


January 15, 2018

 Word or nah?

Is the following a real word or did I just make it up?

Luxurity (n.): a state of opulence

I was immediately impressed by the luxurity of the foyer. 


January 12, 2018

 Business advice:

Here’s a million-dollar business idea you can have for free:

EncourageMINTS: Fresh breath and positive message in every tablet.


January 11, 2018

 Pro tip:

Hang in there. Statistics show that 80% of you only have three weeks left before you abandon your fitness resolutions. Home stretch!


January 10, 2018

 Pro tip:

Be prepared to hear politicians, political reporters and anyone with an agenda for the year 2020 to start using the tagline “20/20 Vision.”


January 9, 2018

Thought of the day:

In the near future, Siri will be having a conversation with Alexa and when you ask a question they’ll both tell you to mind your own damned business… and you’ll pay $5000 for it.


January 8, 2018

 Thought of the day:

Remember 1/7/2018 as the day Oprah put the green light on the patriarchy. TIME’S UP!


January 5, 2018

 Pro tip:

The best way to stop the folks who leave the office kitchen a mess is to set up a camera and send the first violator you catch to jail overnight. Let him keep his job long enough to complain to everyone else about the policy, then fire him. No one will ever do that again.


January 4, 2018

 The real issues:

I always cringe when I hear someone use the term “plain” slice of pizza. Seems disrespectful to cheese.


January 3, 2018

 Pro tip:

“Copy-all” emails that just say “You’re welcome!” …Stop that.


January 2, 2018

 New Year advice:

If you know anyone who uses the phrase “hot dog sandwich,” you need to stop knowing that person this year.


December 29, 2017

 Thought of the day:

There is a low temperature at which, if you’re running outside for exercise, you’re no longer considered “dedicated,” you’re considered “insane.”


December 28, 2017

 Soapbox:

I’ll never understand the passion with which some folks oppose the phrase “Happy Holidays” in place of “Merry Christmas.” It’s such an irrational thing to hate.


December 27, 2017

 Pro tip:

Enjoy your local gym this week. You will not next week.


December 26, 2017

 Pro tip:

As a comedic/creative writer, one of the highest compliments you can receive is: “I don’t know what that means but it’s hilarious.”


December 22, 2017

 Dictionary addition:

I’ve created a new word that I’m going to submit to Mr. Webster for consideration:

Introvertical: When you’re an introvert but manage to navigate society well enough to succeed.


December 20, 2017

 Pro tip:

When someone calls you out about going in for a second slice of cake or pie, kindly notify them that it’s just the other half of your first slice.


December 19, 2017

 Christmas Challenge!

Treat your office/workplace to a Christmas music playlist, but drop a ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine in there and try not to acknowledge that anything strange is happening. Bonus points for convincing your coworkers that it’s a Christmas song.


December 18, 2017

 Amirite?:

Kale is untasty, right? I feel like we’re being passively brainwashed.


December 14, 2017

 “Fun” facts:

Fanta soda debuted as Nazi Coca-Cola.

…yeah, that’s all.


December 13, 2017

 Culinary corner:

The pretzel roll is under-appreciated in American cuisine. The fact that it is not the default vessel for hot dogs and hamburgers is an insult to its genius inventor Heinrich Pretsilrohl.


December 12, 2017

 Soapbox:

I don’t know who, in my educational career, was supposed to teach me what all of the calculator button abbreviations mean but if I ever find you I have some choice words to share.


December 11, 2017

 The real issues:

Can we all just agree to pay the extra nickel so that all canned foods can have the pull-tab top? I mean, let’s stop fuckin around here.


December 8, 2017

Pro tip:

Asking the Dunkin Donuts staff to choose your dozen for you is like asking them “how many shitty donuts do you think you can put in there without me getting upset?”


December 7, 2017

 Eternal questions:

Pears: Soft apples or something more?


December 6, 2017

 Anyone else?

My all time best streak of texting “of” when I mean “of” instead of “if” when I mean “of” is a solid 3 consecutive times.


December 5, 2017

 Thought of the day:

I’m surprised there aren’t more ill-meaning magicians out there pranking people and stealing stuff. If I were a magician it’d be difficult to ignore that compulsion and if I were a career criminal I’d certainly learn some magic tricks.


December 4, 2017

 Season’s Greetings:

Tis the season for trickin. Here’s hoping your boos are appreciative.


December 1, 2017

 Ghost-editor:

Ghost-writers are rampant in hip hop music, adding creativity and increasing the perceived skill level of the rappers they work with. I aim to carve out my niche as a ghost-editor, making rap bars more palatable and decipherable to the masses.

What Migos meant to say:

Versace

What Migos said:

“Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace – Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace – Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace – Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace Versace”


November 29, 2017

 Eternal questions:

“How much ham can I put into this salad before it technically becomes just a bowl of ham?”

~Copernicus


November 28, 2017

 Thought of the day:

With Black Friday and Cyber Monday behind us, today is the day people have the realization that “oh… I need to buy stuff for other people too,” and start giving their budgets the side-eye. It’s Hindsight Tuesday!


November 27, 2017

 The real issues:

Is “nother” in the dictionary yet? If not, I need to revisit my petition to get it added. As in: “I’m taking this petition to a whole nother level.”


November 24, 2017

 Holiday sins:

Caught myself being proud of only having one helping of Thanksgiving dinner and am pretty sure that having that thought makes me both prideful and gluttonous.


November 22, 2017

 Ghost-editor:

Ghost-writers are rampant in hip hop music, adding creativity and increasing the perceived skill level of the rappers they work with. I aim to carve out my niche as a ghost-editor, making rap bars more palatable and decipherable to the masses.

What Lil Uzi Vert meant to say:

See these? I have actual diamonds in my face. Yours, on the other hand, appear to be imitation diamonds, and low-quality imitations at that. You know what?… they actually remind me of aluminum foil.

What Lil Uzi Vert said:

“Diamonds in my teeth!… Yo shit look like foil.”


November 21, 2017

 Hate-watch:

Have you ever started watching a movie and realized it was going to be terrible as soon as you saw the main character but kept watching anyway because you’d already mentally committed and/or wanted to see just how bad it could be? Well, that is a “hate-watch” and the internet says it’s a real thing:

Scotch and Movies


November 20, 2017

 The real issues:

Is Reggiano like a whole nother cheese or just Parmigiano’s last name? If it’s its own cheese does it just not want to be in the spotlight or is it more of a loyalty thing?


November 17, 2017

 Just because:

Next time someone asks you about your Thanksgiving plans, tell them (with a straight face) “I’m Native American” and see if you can collect an apology.

Am I wrong or is Thanksgiving pretty much an annual victory lap?


November 16, 2017

 Truth in politics:

I’ve been reading up on the popular slang terms so I can better explain our current government predicament to the youngsters closest to me and in doing so have discovered the perfect phrasing:

“Your president is basic asf.”

also…

“Your president is extra asf.”

Can you be both?


November 15, 2017

 Inventions (maybe):

Does Facebook have a “spoiler blocker” that can use word recognition to filter out specific topics from your news feed? If not, I want my money when they implement it. If so, I already knew that.


November 14, 2017

 Thought of the day:

Telling a lie is like writing a check from your memory bank. If someone follows up with you, they’re cashing that check and you must withdraw what you told them. A bad memory is like insufficient funds.


November 13, 2017

 Thought of the day:

There’s no big secret to why “black don’t crack.” Our moisturization regimen is way iller than y’alls.


November 10, 2017

 True love stories:

You know it’s real love when the first thing she says to you when you wake up is, “you reek of alcohol” but she still kisses you.


November 9, 2017

 Question of the day:

Hey, shorts-in-the-winter guys: I noticed that you’re often a more robust gentleman. Is it a temperature regulation play, like when you stick one leg out from under the blanket in bed – but for everyday life?


November 8, 2017

 Thought of the day:

Eternity is a long time. If you really think about it, the devil doesn’t need to be as dramatic as burning you alive forever. He could just do something mildly annoying forever like waking you up 7 minutes before your alarm is set to go off and eventually that shit would drive you insane.


November 7, 2017

 Ghost-editor:

Ghost-writers are rampant in hip hop music, adding creativity and increasing the perceived skill level of the rappers they work with. I aim to carve out my niche as a ghost-editor, making rap bars more palatable and decipherable to the masses.

What Gucci Mane meant to say:

You have to be a woman of the utmost beauty and sophistication for me to even consider allowing you to gaze upon the fine diamonds housed in my wristwatch.

What Gucci Mane said:

“You gotta be a dime-piece, just to look at the rocks in my timepiece.”


November 6, 2017

 The real issues:

Was lactose intolerance the gateway ailment to peanut and glucose allergies? Before their discovery was there just a lot more inexplicable fainting and messy poops?


November 3, 2017

 Thought of the day:

It must take a special blend of hubris and selfishness to be seated next to someone on an airplane who’s clearly listening to music or watching a movie and continue to try to have a conversation with them anyway. You’re essentially saying “I know you brought your own entertainment but this is going to be way better” or “I know you brought your own entertainment but I didn’t and I’d rather you be bored than me.”


November 2, 2017

 The real issues:

So bees are mysteriously going extinct but mosquitoes are doing awesome. Everyone knows the essential role bees play in our ecosystem and no one knows why mosquitoes need to exist. I’m no detective but it seems like someone should be asking mosquitoes some very pointed questions.


November 1, 2017

Season’s Greetings:

Today marks the first day of a two-month season of excess, I like to call “Thickums.” Between your leftover Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner, New Years Eve snacks and booze, and New Years Day hangover food, ’tis the season for you to embrace your voluptuousness.

Happy Thickums and Happy National Pumpkins-are-useless Day!


October 31, 2017

 Thought of the day:

I think everyone should teach their children to be more selective on Halloween, so when they come to a person who’s handing out pencils or bookmarks or pennies or Good and Plenty or any other inedible/non-candy item, they’ll just put their little hands up and say “not interested.” Think about it: as an adult, if you had just 6 or 7 kids tell you that in one night you’d seriously reassess your life choices.


October 30, 2017

 The real issues:

The U.S. government has tried in vain to get N. Korea to discontinue its nuclear program but just as egregiously and defiantly, The Home Depot continues to display Christmas trees and decorations well before Halloween, despite our protests and the government does nothing about it.


October 27, 2017

 The real issues:

Are they still making that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar stuff? I’ve never understood the allure. Isn’t it common knowledge that the proper sandwich ratio is 1 part jelly to 1.47 parts peanut butter? It’s basic mathematics.


October 26, 2017

 The real issues:

Are grade schools still doing the Pledge of Allegiance every morning? I wonder if any kids are kneeling during it.


October 25, 2017

 Thought of the day:

I have to imagine chopsticks were a form of humiliation before they were an official utensil. Can’t you picture this:

“Yeah, you can have some rice… but you can only use your index fingers and you can’t bend them.”


October 24, 2017

 Thought of the day:

Seems like the value of a lot of modern abstract art is all about the name on it. I feel like I’ve got enough ideas that I could ghost-paint for some old artist who’s tired of doing it but still has a name. My first work would be painting the word red on a huge canvass with blue paint.


October 23, 2017

 PSA:

For those going to a costume party this weekend who have yet to obtain a costume, keep in mind that for every day that passes this week your costume gets worse and more expensive.


October 20, 2017

 Question of the day:

I know I’m late, but did we ever figure out what the gay agenda was? Feels like it was just the same stuff as the hetero agenda but with a bit more pizzazz.


October 19, 2017

 The real issues:

The Maury model could do so much good in the world if it would only expand beyond exposing cheaters and paternity results. Imagine turning on the show while he’s in the middle of reading a result:

“With 99.9% accuracy… the lie detector test shows… you did NOT reach the end of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!” *crowd goes crazy*


October 18, 2017

 Thought of the day:

For the life of me, I can’t recall what a mummy in an old horror movie does to you when it catches you. I feel like it just wants a hug and to get your clothes dirty.


October 17, 2017

 PSA:

As you shop for your adult Halloween party costumes, please keep in mind that Halloween does not make blackface ok. You may only wear blackface if you have a notarized consent form from Oprah (form 45-1195) and are accompanied by a member of the NAACP at all times.


October 16, 2017

Quote of the day:

Over the weekend I gave a comprehensive talk about in-utero development of babies past their due dates. Here’s the full transcript:

“If it were out it would already be doing baby stuff!”


October 13, 2017

The real issues:

When are we going to get a presidential candidate who promises the breakfast cereal serving size reform this country needs?


October 12, 2017

Thought of the day:

Can we bring back the old-school slang phrase, “you played yourself?” It’s the only way to accurately describe Mike Pence staging a storm-out at an NFL game.


October 11, 2017

 That moment when…

That defining moment when you’re Googling “Hermes” (the Greek messenger god) and can’t figure out why Google is trying to sell you fancy purses.


October 10, 2017

Soapbox:

…but seriously, there were people here already! That’s like discovering a parking space with a car in it… then asking the owner to move, then forcing the owner to move then giving the owner and her family smallpox blankets.


October 9, 2017

 Quote of the day:

“Welp…” ~Christopher Columbus


October 6, 2017

Truth:

I’m quickly becoming one of those people who always have a side-hustle going on, who I used to advise “need to relax.” So I guess I owe those people an apology…

Ok bye.


October 5, 2017

Advice:

Never be the “guy with his shirt off” at the party. I know it seems like a good idea at the time but really the booze is pulling a prank on you.


October 4, 2017

Thought of the day:

Based on reaction alone, one could assume that the most shocking mystery of modern human existence is when someone finds out you don’t like either avocado or bacon.


October 3, 2017

Question of the day:

Do you ever struggle with punctuating a “happy birthday” text or Facebook post? That exclamation mark feels disingenuous sometimes, like: “I wish you the best but am I really that excited about your birthday?… Nah, I don’t know you like that.” At the same time a period after a “happy birthday” feels kinda disrespectful.


October 2, 2017

Thought of the day:

I just want to be a noteworthy enough writer that people question their own understanding of popular phrases I intentionally misuse for fun. Bar none.


September 29, 2017

Thought of the day:

I wish I was around for the inaugural “casual Friday.” It had to be quite a scene discovering, by example, where the lines of decency needed to be drawn.


September 28, 2017

Thought of the day:

As a black man, I’m not sure how I feel about travel sites sending me unsolicited airfares to Africa, given the current landscape of the U.S. It kinda feels like they’re sending me airfares BACK to Africa. It kinda feels like: “We’re sending them back to Africa and we’re making the blacks pay for it.”


September 27, 2017

 Truth in Jest:

The NFL seems like a very tough habit to break. I feel like the Surgeon General could release a statement saying “Watching the NFL definitely causes cancer probably” and a lot of y’all would be hanging on to that “probably” for dear life.


September 26, 2017

Proverb:

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are for lunch, not dessert.


September 25, 2017

Truth in politics:

Sorry, I have to give credit where it’s due. Trump masterfully executed the old “well you weren’t invited anyways” method of rejection defense, in his Twitter battle with Steph Curry and the Warriors.


September 22, 2017

The real issues:

Can we get Will Smith an Oscar, please? He’s too young for a lifetime achievement but can we do a ‘cumulative achievement’ or something? This is getting out of hand.


September 21, 2017

Out of context:

While walking around Philly, I often hear one sentence of a conversation in passing. Occasionally, it’s the defining sentence, and the lack of context makes it even better. For instance:

“Maybe I am from 8-mile. You don’t know me.”


September 20, 2017

Question of the day:

Do liquor stores still carry Hpnotiq? Are they reordering or are those the same bottles from 2002? Did y’all know it’s supposed to taste like fruit juices, not Vicks VapoRub, as you may have been led to believe?


September 19, 2017

Thought of the day:

I’ve never understood being too intimidated to date a woman who makes more money than you (as a man). My goal is to make enough money to support us both and still be the slouch… but maybe I’m greedy.


September 18, 2017

Question of the day:

Is anyone out there still using a physical copy of the Yellow Pages? Please contact me if so; I have so many questions.


September 15, 2017

Question of the day:

Can people tell that I’m a black guy over the phone?…


September 14, 2017

Thought of the day:

I have yet to see or read a post-apocalyptic movie or book that gets it right. When the apocalypse comes and the system breaks down, new socks will become our currency.


September 13, 2017

When you’re picked on as a kid you tell yourself you’re going to grow up and be successful out of spite. Then, you mature and do find success, but aren’t petty enough to bother gloating. Makes you wonder what all that hard work was for.


September 12, 2017

Soapbox:

I’ve met a surprising number of people on the other side of this argument, but I have a fairly strict tolerance of one person calling out one comment in a movie theater situation. Beyond that, I wish you nothing but death and misfortune.


September 11, 2017

Out of context:

While walking around Philly, I often hear one sentence of a conversation in passing. Occasionally, it’s the defining sentence, and the lack of context makes it even better. For instance:

“I was just having sex in the restaurant… nothing weird”


September 8, 2017

The real issues:

I wonder what percentage of business documents contain the word “asses” where they should contain the word “assess?” Why is this research not being done?


September 7, 2017

Soapbox:

Do y’all realize people are still faxing things? It’s damn near 2018. Can we just end this relationship so we can move on? Let fax machines die with a little dignity.


September 6, 2017

Context compliments:

Sometimes, what seems like a compliment can be something else if you change the context. For instance:

“You’re the best I’ve ever had.” – Seems complimentary.

New context (man to woman): “…but I still prefer men.”

New context 2 (woman to man): “…and I’ve done A LOT of research.”


September 5, 2017

Thought of the day:

Other than subliminal suggestion, there’s no real reason for the song “THE ELECTRIC SLIDE”  to be stuck in someone’s head.


September 4, 2017

Salute:

You don’t know cautious optimism until someone you’ve just met at a wedding tells you there are 100 pre-rolled joints at the bar and you think it might be a setup.

Congrats, Eve and Steve!


September 1, 2017

Buried treasure:

There comes a point in every person’s life when they ask the question “is the word poop in the dictionary?” It way is and has like five alternative definitions, including this gem:

Poop (N): Up-to-date or inside information. Here’s the latest poop from Hollywood.

Why have y’all be hiding this from me?


August 31, 2017

Context compliments:

Sometimes, what seems like a compliment can be something else if you change the context. For instance:

“Your baby looks just like you.” – Seems complimentary.

New context: Ugly baby

New context 2: You have a freakishly small head or actually do kinda look like a baby.

New context 3: It’s a baby gorilla.


August 30, 2017

Context compliments:

Sometimes, what seems like a compliment can be something else if you change the context. For instance:

“You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight.” – Seems complimentary.

New context: The subjects have never met before.


August 29, 2017

Thought of the day:

Those with spoilers rule the internet. Those avoiding spoilers have no power or leverage. One is the Night King and the other is thousands of corpses waiting to be turned.


August 28, 2017

Quote of the day:

“If you eat ribs then floss right after, it’s like the ribs never happened.” ~Confucius


August 25, 2017

The real issues:

According to a study, performed by a panel of adults, 26 or greater years of age, 97% of undergrads “look like high-schoolers.”


August 24, 2017

Thought of the day:

So, Vanna White is rich off of Wheel of Fortune right? How long do you think her orientation was for that job? 3? 4 minutes? So, she basically hit the lottery and took the annuity…


August 23, 2017

Pro tip:

Don’t make the mistake of looking up why we say “god bless you” after a sneeze. In terms of why we’re still saying it, your search won’t lead you anywhere sane.


August 22, 2017

Question of the day:

If a man shows up to his own wedding in a full sweatsuit and the bride doesn’t acknowledge it or seem upset, how long before someone else brings it up to him?… Or does he make it through the whole event?


August 21, 2017

Question of the day:

Are dyslectic people really good at word searches?


August 18, 2017

 The real issues:

…so, did Han Solo speak Wookie or did he just assume he had the general gist of what Chewbacca was trying to say?


August 17, 2017

The real issues:

Every time you buy an airplane ticket, the fine print asks you to acknowledge and accept the Airplane Armrest Border Treaty of 1979, which states (among other things):

  • Middle seat gets two armrests
  • A sleep-lean violation justifies usage of the shoulder-nudge battalion, and
  • Keep your elbows the fuck out of my seat space or we’re going to war

The AABT remains the most violated Treaty in our county’s history.


August 16, 2017

Truth:

It’s been tough to find the humor lately, but, in my absence, at least Donald Trump has found increasingly horrendous ways to make a joke of the presidency.


August 10, 2017

Pro tip:

“Winners never quit” is probably the worst gambling advice you can give.


August 9, 2017

Truth in politics:

EXECUTIVE ♦ LEGISLATIVE ♦ JUDICIAL ♦ NFL

We’re about a half-step away.


August 8, 2017

Pro tip:

Lasagna after workout = counterproductive

Workout before lasagna = preventative maintenance

Exercise your mind.


August 7 2017,

The real issues:

I’ve never understood those large, detached pencil erasers for use by regular students. If you’re doing pencil art or grading tests, I get it, but if you as a parent are buying those for your kid, aren’t you essentially saying: I’m expecting you to mess up A LOT.


August 4, 2017

Pro tip:

Let the cool kids be fashionably late. You, get there early and get the good snacks.


August 3, 2017

If you ask me..

…it seems like we’ve got our top minds creating artificial intelligence; meanwhile, natural intelligence could use a second look.


August 2, 2017

That moment when..

…you’re in bed, exhausted, but you just have to watch this video of someone making a tiny apple pie.


August 1, 2017

Quote of the day:

“A 100-pack of paper clips is a lifetime supply of paper clips.”  ~Confucius


July 31, 2017

The real issues:

Studies have already disproved the link between violent video games and violent crime. Can we now refocus our efforts onto ‘Hungry, Hungry Hippos’, the most physically violent board game of all time?


July 28, 2017

Thought of the day:

I wish I was one of those ‘quit my job to pursue my dreams’ guys, but I’m not pretty enough to be broke.


July 27, 2017

Question of the day:

Is it possible to be really good at Connect Four or are you just always challenging people who are bad at paying attention?


July 26, 2017

The real issues:

Bingo halls and secret underground fight clubs occupy the same space in reality for me. I’ve seen both in movies and neither in real life.


July 25, 2017

The real issues:

So, is the Surgeon General a real person or does the government use the position like your parents used the Boogeyman to scare you away from bad things?


July 24, 2017

Intervention:

Does anyone actually like singing the birthday song to another adult or having it sung to you? Isn’t it time to let go?


July 21, 2017

Pro tip:

The easy play here would be to make an O.J. joke, but if I’ve learned anything from this whole debacle, it’s that sometimes you just have to let people live.


July 20, 2017

The real issues:

I’m trying to resist adding “selfie” to my vocabulary, but it’s the most concise way to describe the act. My stubbornness is fighting with my efficiency.


July 19, 2017

Just a thought:

In a world of so much conflict, we could learn a lot from our younger selves. Gone are the days of settling our disputes by seeing who’s the fastest. That sounds pretty righteous but really I’d just like to see more spontaneous adult foot-races.


July 18, 2017

Truth in Politics:

I wonder how savagely governors of states making tens of millions of tax dollars from legal weed are trolling those who aren’t on Twitter? At the very least, there has to be some tension every time Colorado tweets pictures of the new movie theater in its basement and Texas replies with the side-eye emoji.


July 17, 2017

Truth:

Game of Thrones is back, which means it’s time to reevaluate your social media friendships. If he/she starts posting spoilers the question becomes “were we really friends in the first place?”


July 14, 2017

The real issues:

Not sure what the Cinnamon Toast Crunch people are thinking, wasting all that money on advertising. It’s like crack to children and adults probably consume even more. Sit back and relax; you’ve won the game.


July 13, 2017

 The real issues:

I wonder which is more popular at this point: The Weekend the singer or the literal end of the week? On one hand, the singer is on the radio every five minutes but, on the other, Friday-Saturday-Sunday have long been most peoples’ favorite days of the week. I’m going to say the group of days still edges out the singer, because you don’t need a ticket to see them – but the margin is narrowing.

Bonus TDS!:

I wonder if The Weekend the singer ever gets confused with the weekend, the literal end of the week? If you had tickets to see The Weekend and you told someone who hadn’t heard of him, “I’m going to see The Weekend this Friday,” I can imagine that person saying, “No shit. Everyone is.”


July 12, 2017

 The real issues:

I feel like McDonald’s didn’t really need to enlist the talents of Pusha T to create their ‘I’m loving it’ jingle. Not taking anything away from Pusha T, but I’m pretty sure Steve from accounting could’ve come up with that one. Also, Pusha is a wildly creative lyricist; it must’ve been absolutely nothing for him to write that, which makes me wonder how the conversation went. This is how I imagine it:

McDonald’s rep: “Push, I need you to create a jingle for ou….”

Pusha T: “Ba da bop bop baaa, I’m lovin it.”

Pusha T: “Check please.”


July 11, 2017

Facts of life:

Our priorities change with age. There are some mainstays like friends, family and happiness but many things gain or lose position. Kids are an anomaly, instantly shooting to the top of the list. But nothing has as steady and methodical of an ascension as sitting down. Each year, sitting down becomes more valuable.


July 10, 2017

Sad but true:

You know the world is passing you by when your preferred style of jeans get slapped with the “classic fit” label. You know the world has passed you by when they tell you “that style is phasing out.” We all just need to accept that all jeans are just different levels of skinny now.


July 7, 2017

Salute:

On this day in 1817, Philadelphia street cart operator, Frank Breadmon, accidentally invented the corn dog. He knocked half of his hot dog supply into his hushpuppy batter, fished them out with skewers and, instinctively, dunked them into his fry oil. He sold the new treat/meal to his customers for a nickel a piece and bumped it up to a dime when they swarmed back in droves. To this day you can visit Breadmon mansion in south Philadelphia and marvel at what a little inventiveness can buy you.


July 6, 2017

Salute:

Michael Jackson’s greatest unheralded achievement was proving he didn’t need a whole song to create a #1 hit. In Rockwell’s ‘Somebody’s Watching Me” he did it in seven words.


July 5, 2017

Just a thought:

I feel like we could prevent a lot of 4th of July injuries by requiring anyone using homemade amateur fireworks to repeat the phrase “HOMEMADE AMATEUR FIREWORKS” 5 times aloud prior to setting them off.


July 3, 2017

This day in history:

The Queen’s taxes:

July 3: 2,500,000 dependents

July 4: 0 dependents


June 30, 2017

Proverbs:

Eventually, we all reach the point in our lives where we no longer have the time for oranges that are difficult to peel. ~Confucius


June 29, 2017

Just a thought:

I’m neither a white person nor racist, but, if I were both of those things, I’d open a laundromat and designate the machines near the entrance “whites only” washers and dryers so I could post my signage with impunity.


June 28, 2017

Better advice:

Sure, the early bird gets the worm. But, if you sleep in, there’s probably still going to be some worms available, or, just eat something else for brunch. Worms aren’t that great anyway.


June 27, 2017

True stats:

Roughly 87% of United States citizens have decided that it is simply too much effort to pronounce the first “r” in “sriracha.”


June 26, 2017

Pro tip:

Need an extra boost of confidence this morning? Think about, and share, that random thing that you happen to be the best at. As for me, I’m the best at wrapping a towel around myself after a shower. No knots or fasteners needed, I just wrap it tight and tuck it in and I can run a marathon in that thing if I wanted to – but I won’t because I just showered.


June 24, 2017

Is it just me or…

is the term “manslaughter” a blatant and unnecessary use of hyperbole in our legal system? It sounds like a type of ‘Fatality’ in Mortal Kombat or a Middle-Earth orc party.


June 23, 2017

Spotlight: Gina C.

That person you know who, on the off chance someone says anything negative about, you automatically assume negative things about the person who’s complaining.


June 22, 2017

Spotlight: Blair S.

Humble, blessed, and a little peaty: The Blair Story


June 21, 2017

Salute:

Here’s to breaking bread, ribs and hundred dollar bills in heaven… well, maybe not ribs. ‘Keep it thoro’ in the afterlife, P.


June 20, 2017

Spotlight: L. Baum

Because women and the letter “h” are not to be silenced.


June 19, 2017

The real issues:

I don’t know what all these extra question marks in your texts and emails are about but I’m going to take it as disrespect. Watch your mouth.


June 16, 2017

The real issues:

If you’re not 6’4″ or above, you can’t know the humiliation and awkwardness of standing up in a public bathroom stall and having everyone be able to  see your entire head.


June 15, 2017

The real issues:

Think about it. L.L. Cool J’s ‘Mama Said Knock You Out’ is one of the most hilariously named great songs in music history.


June 14, 2017

Spotlight: Jake P. V-L

‘Mirror Twins is a Real Thing and Fuck Your Crew Neck, Sir: The JPVL Story’


June 13, 2017

The real issues:

It wasn’t until a decade or so into adulthood that I discovered that some people consider macaroni and cheese a main dish – like a lot of people. It just seems like an odd choice of a thing to lie to your child about.


June 12, 2017

Spotlight: Teesa

That old cherished friend who your new friends meet and say, “she’s so nice!” and, based on your history with this person, you reply, “well… give it some time.”


June 10, 2017

Pro tip:

If you ever want to quit a job in dramatic fashion, go into your boss’ office and recite 2Pac’s verse from Hit ‘Em Up. …oh, and record it, please.


June 9, 2017

Spotlight: Megan (Megatron) M.

When you need someone’s opinion but don’t particularly care for ratings 2-9 on a 10 point scale.


June 8, 2017

Spotlight: Molly B.

That one friend who goes from zero to throwing stuff between drinks 1 and 3 – but is kind enough to give fair warning that the storm is coming, by proclaiming that it’s “M.B. WORLD!” …She’s M.B.


June 7, 2017

Great moments in history:

On this day in history, French madam, Cecilia D’oeuvres, invented hors d’oeuvres as an inexpensive way to feed the ladies in her employ. Ironically, she’d go on to marry, Spaniard merchant, Cristobal Tapas, with whom I’m sure you’re already familiar.


June 6, 2017

Spotlight: Karen A.

When another sista joins your work crew and you wordlessly acknowledge to each other that “we run this place now.”


June 5, 2017

Motivation:

In most cases, being the best at something takes a lot of hard work, determination and effort. But if that’s not for you, you can still be pretty good and have time for other things.


June 4, 2017

Review:

I don’t know what a bureka is but it tastes like daydreams filled with magic and delight.


June 3, 2017

Motivation:

You know you want that last slice of pizza, and all you have to do to get it is to be slightly less polite than everyone else. Shoot for the stars.


June 2, 2017

Pro tip:

You want to see an adult’s face light up with childish delight? Offer him/her some Peanut Butter M&M’s… or is that just me?


June 1, 2017

Truth:

There is no single event in the workplace that can provide as much joy as a canceled meeting or conference call. It’s like someone giving you an extra hour of life and telling you to do whatever you want with it.


May 31, 2017

Observation:

For folks who don’t watch Game of Thrones, it must just seem like, during the season, every group conversation has an intermission to discuss nudity and violence – which, as intermissions go, seems like a pretty good deal.


May 30, 2017

Salute:

Shout out to the warriors who leave the BBQ with 3 or more take-home plates. Because of your bravery, your family will not starve tomorrow… or you will not starve for at least 3 days.


May 27, 2017

Vent:

Some little jerk checking I.D.s had the nerve to hit me with the “oh, you look good for your age.” I know, bitch.


May 26, 2017

Pro tip:

If you’ve been considering becoming vegetarian but have commitment issues, eat meat once a day and call yourself 2/3 vegetarian. You get to toss around that “v” word a little bit and eat bacon.


May 25, 2017

Confessional:

Every time I hear about a gender reveal party I have to remind myself that it isn’t an LGBTQ function.


May 24, 2017

The real issues:

I still don’t understand why people hate the word moist but words like damp and water-soaked get a pass. And it seems like no one wants to talk about it, they just scrunch up their faces and wave you away. Is it because it’s a vaginal descriptor?


May 23, 2017

Truth:

Someone could’ve been cashing in since the 90’s had they had the vision and savvy to open a chain of Mandlebaum gyms, themed after the Seinfeld character – elderly trainers who insult you and use catch-phrases like “it’s go time” and “I’m taking it up a notch.” That’s gold.


May 22, 2017

The real issues:

Do people still buy/use fly swatters? I haven’t even seen one in like 15 years.


May 19, 2017

Pro tip:

If you’re unhappy about the current presidential administration, try referring to the president as D.J. Trump. It doesn’t change anything but it oddly brings a fleeting moment of joy.


May 18, 2017

Soapbox:

Can 2017 be the year we stop letting people use “I’m just honest” as an excuse to be mean-spirited? If you have to keep qualifying the bullshit you say, you’re not being honest; you’re being dramatic.


May 17, 2017

Pro tip:

Make sure your kid is getting a balanced diet of “yes” and “no.” A deficiency of either may lead to those little assholes you see on Dr. Phil.


May 16, 2017

Truth:

We all just want to be treated with the same level of respect Sam showed Frodo.


May 14, 2017

Happy Mother’s Day

It feels so fitting to be able to use this platform that I’m trying to create for myself to express my love and adoration for my mom today. It’s fitting because I know how much I owe my creativity to her – a woman who can write, sing and teach herself to play the piano. That I was able to absorb a fraction of her talents is a gift I can never repay, and because she is who she is, I know that she’d never expect me to, or even admit the debt existed. This is the woman who taught me to explore the very things that I was teased about as a kid, despite wanting to run or hide from them. She knew that those were the things which made me who I was and am. I’m grateful for the traits that make us so similar, but also for those which make us different. Her gentle nature and compassion even for those who have wronged her in the past are amazing to me – lofts of character I have yet to reach. And that’s the real beauty of my mom: she’s who I am and who I want to be at the same time. She’s beautiful and funny and loving and she’s my mom and you can’t have her! Sorry. I just wanted to take a break from the jest today to bring you the truth: I LOVE YOU MOM! Happy Mother’s Day!


May 13, 2017

Out of office:

I will be out of the Truth in Jest offices through Monday, on an academic research trip (Disney) to make myself write more better and more smartly. Please enjoy my archives while I’m away.


May 12, 2017

Pro tip:

Never trust dudes in lab coats outside of the lab.


May 11, 2017

The real issues:

Why do shorts cost as much as pants in so many stores (or any store)? Why is no one outraged about this?


May 10, 2017

Anecdote:

When I was a coed, all you needed to gain access to my home was to know the name of someone I knew. Now that I’m a thirty-something, you’ll need: a passport, valid I.D., laminated credential, resume (with three references), negative blood test, backstage passes to a Jay Z concert from the 90s, and bribe money for the customs agent.


May 9, 2017

The real issues (two-for Tuesday edition – Electric Slide edition)

  • 90% of Americans have heard the song ‘The Electric Slide’ over 30 times in their lifetime and 90% of those who have know no greater than 2% of the words to the song.
  • Was The Electric Slide the first flashmob?

May 8, 2017

Quote of the day:

“If I was a transformer, I’d turn into an ice cream truck so I could eat all day” ~Braylon (my nephew)


May 7, 2017

Just for fun:

Next time you go to the dentist, when they’re done with the cleaning, slip your dentist a $20 bill and say: “sharpen ’em.” Have to imagine that’ll solicit an memorable response.


May 6, 2017

True stats:

Americans spend more time in the bathroom on May 6th than any other day of the year. #tacodump #poopisalwaysfunny #untilitisnt


May 5, 2017

True stats:

Every Cinco de Mayo white folks in the US consume more avocado than the country of Mexico, a stat which is also true Seis de Mayo through the following Cuatro de Mayo.


May 4, 2017

Strange but true:

The phrase “make your next move your best move” is both a catchphrase for pimps and sound advice from a chess coach.


May 3, 2017

Pro tip:

As barbecue season approaches, now is the time to make new friends. There’s a lot of free food out there to be had – go be cheap and friendly at the same time.


May 2, 2017

Salute:

On this day in 1907, Italian immigrant Brandon L. Tartoli invented the BLT when he found himself craving a sandwich, out of lunch meat but rich with leftover bacon from breakfast. In 1912 he discovered his initials were the same as the ingredients of his signature sandwich.


May 1, 2017

True(ish) stats:

In the 80s and 90s, you could increase the chances of getting a person to do a thing they didn’t want to do by 1500% by turning your single dare into a double.


April 30, 2017

Pro tip:

It’s best to ask the important questions upfront, so by the 3rd date find out if he/she prefers creamy or chunky peanut butter. If your date’s preference doesn’t agree with yours and you think about making the switch for them, it’s probably true love. If your date says “neither” at least it only took three dates to discover it wasn’t going to work out.


April 29, 2017

Confession:

I have no idea what to call my blog posts. Does “blog” mean both the website and the individual posts or just the site? “Article” doesn’t really hit the nail on the head for some reason. “Blog post” is accurate but when I say it I get the same feeling as when I can’t think of the right word and have to describe what I’m talking about… Blarticle?


April 28, 2017

The real issues:

So E.T. could fly the whole time right?… So most of that pursuit he just did for theatrics.


April 27, 2017

How it really happened:

Noah’s friend: “Hey man, the dinosaurs, mammoths and sabertooth tigers said your boat is trash.”

Noah: “Oh word?…”


April 26, 2017

Soapbox:

Can 2017 be the year y’all start washing your hands thoroughly after using the bathroom? Or, at least, if you chose not to, just don’t touch me or anything I or anyone else come into contact with.


April 25, 2017

True stats:

Every night millions of men go to bed with the same question on their minds: “Who are we trying to impress with all these damn pillows?”


April 24, 2017

Alternative slogans:

Leggings: Go ahead outside. They’re pants now.


April 22, 2017

Famous quotes:

“What if I told you pancakes are technically a dessert?…” ~Morpheus (Matrix 4)


April 21, 2017

Truth:

Somewhere, someone’s disgruntled mother is saying to her grown children: “I used to make y’all unicorn frappucinos better than that and y’all didn’t like them.”


April 20, 2017

Fun fact:

“420” is not police code for marijuana possession; it’s the average number of times a person will giggle at the word “poop” while under the influence. That number drops to 308 when sober.


April 19, 2017

Daily inpsiration:

Love yourself first. If you’re not as awesome as you think you are, you’re going to need that head start anyway.


April 18, 2017

Alternative slogans:

“M.O.A.B.” because the government has focus groups too.


April 17, 2017

Truth or jest:

McDonald’s secret menu item: The McSparagus Breakfast Burrito. Real or just a myth?


April 16, 2017

Famous quotes:

“Wussup now, bitches?!” ~Jesus


April 15, 2017

You have to:

Sometimes, when you’re on vacation during the holy weekend, you have to turn up for Jesus. You have to.


April 14, 2017

Famous quotes:

“I mean we cool, but…” ~Judas


April 13, 2017

True stats:

The phrase “yo momma” was the leading cause of fights among adolescents and teens in the 80s and 90s. The second leading cause was the collective reply “Oh snap!”


April 12, 2017

Probably facts:

The first Passover holiday started with the brunch during which it was named. “Pass over the eggs and bacon please.” “Pass over the orange juice.” The name carried on from there…. Probably.


April 11, 2017

Deep thoughts:

The saying “that’s music to my ears” is unnecessarily specific. Ears would be the assumed region of your body for musical intake. If you said “that’s music to my butt,” well now you’ve got people thinking.


April 10, 2017

Pro tip:

If a stranger on the street addresses you as “chief” “big guy” “big man” or “boss man” prepare yourself for a solicitation.


April 8, 2017

Truth:

You really want the country to go nuts? Announce that Chip and Jo split up.


April 7, 2017

Pro tip:

Every now and then try saying “cheeses Christ” instead of “Jesus Christ” and enjoy the double-takes.


April 6, 2017

Disturbing facts:

Eddie Murphy made Pluto Nash but hasn’t made another Beverly Hills Cop movie.


April 5, 2017

Truth or Jest?:

Wendy’s has a secret menu. If you order a “mud bath” you get a large order of fries and a medium frosty to dunk them in.


April 4, 2017

Alternative slogans:

Scrapple: It’s meat… but what else?


April 3, 2017

Alternative slogans:

Beer: The Cinderella of beverages.


April 2, 2017

Alternative slogans:

Asparagus: What’s that smell… oh, that’s right.


April, 1 2017

Pro tip:

If someone plays an April Fools joke on you today just act like you’ve never heard of April Fools. Having to explain the concept completely depletes the joy they’re experiencing at your expense.


March 31, 2017

Alternative slogans:

Pants: Because society hates your comfort.


March 30, 2017

Pro tip:

Eating a well-done steak is like renting a movie and skipping to the credits… then setting your TV on fire and eating it.


March 29, 2017

Salute:

All praise and honor due to the person who invented pizza delivery – the laziest genius the world may ever know.


March 28, 2017

Question of the day:

If you go to your doctor and say “I think I’m a hypochondriac” does he just say “yup” and conclude the appointment?


March 27, 2017

Facts of life:

The ONLY reason we don’t have better flavors of toothpaste is that y’all can’t be trusted to not eat too much toothpaste.


March 26, 2017

PSA:

“No pain no gain” is the leading cause of sports hernias. Take it easy out there.


March 25, 2017

Thought of the day:

Whoever the first stage magician was to say “abracadabra” after a trick must have been using real magic. The truly impressive trick was getting that word to persist for so long and penetrate our culture so deeply.


March 24, 2017

Quick Review:

Wolverine + R-Rated murder = ‘Logan’ = win


March 23, 2017

Question of the day:

Do folks still take baths to get clean or is it just for relaxation at this point? After a certain amount of time you’re not getting clean anymore because you’ve achieved filth equilibrium with the water you’re laying in. Seems like you’d need a shower after that…….. ok bye.


March 22, 2017

Thought of the day:

The ‘LGB’ acronym is officially too long for me to know what all of the letters stand for, but I think I knew a girl named LGBTQIA in high school.


March 21, 2017

Thought of the day:

Button-fly jeans are a bold choice. You’re either telling yourself,

A. I’m NEVER going to have a bathroom emergency., or

B. I’m going to Hulk out of these things if I do.


March 20, 2017

Thought of the day:

It’s going to be really awkward when all those folks who moved to Canada when Obama got elected try to immigrate back to the US…


March 19, 2017

Deep thoughts:

Do fish sticks still exist? …haven’t heard anything about them in a while.


March 17, 2017

The real issues:

‘I want a snack before bed but have already brushed my teeth’ is among the toughest challenges facing humanity today.


March 16, 2017

Thought of the day:

One of these years a 16 seed will defeat a 1 seed and decades of horrendous finishes in the bracket pool will pay off for misguided saps across the country.


March 15, 2017

Thought of the day:

Show me a person who can open a tube of refrigerated biscuits without flinching and I’ll show you a sociopath.


March 14, 2017

Daily inpsiration:

The California Raisins released four studio albums in the 80s. In case you’re still searching for the inspiring part: FICTIONAL RAISINS RELEASED FOUR ALBUMS. Get to work.


March 13, 2017

Thought of the day:

Spring is near. Time to ramp up begin working on those fitness resolutions.


March 12, 2017

Thought of the day:

George W. Bush is like your best friend’s ex who you never liked but, now that he/she is with this new disaster, doesn’t seem so bad in hindsight.


March 11, 2017

Thought of the day:

Can we ‘spring forward’ at 4pm on Monday afternoon this year, please? Somebody get working on that.


March 10, 2017

Salute:

RIP Apollo Creed (1976-1985). We lost the champ at only 9 years old. Gone but not forgotten.


March 9, 2017

Thought of the day:

We do in fact have an illegal immigration problem. Too many people violate the Restaurant Table Feet Border Treaty of 1907. Keep your damned feet in their own territory!


March 8, 2017

Quote of the day:

“Free transportation, room & board, gym membership, all the good parts of the pig… not sure what’s the big deal…” ~Ben Carson (probably) on pre-abolition ‘immigration’


March 7, 2017

Pro tip:

The only just response to a glitter bomb is a murder.


March 6, 2017

You have to:

Sometimes, when you’re a mature adult who spends all week making good decisions, you have to spend the weekend playing Rock Band with other mature adults until 4:30am. You have to.


March 5, 2017

Wisdoms:

“If you fail to properly secure your personal stash of Chex Party Mix at your house party, you’ve donated said mix to said party.” ~Confucius


March 4, 2017

Good vs. Best:

A good friend after a break up:

“You’re a good dude, this just wasn’t meant to be. I know it’s tough right now and it’s hard to see past it but you’ll find someone even better suited for you. Let me know if you need anything.”

Your best friend after a break up:

“Strip club?”


March 3, 2017

Hip Hop thought of the day:

So…. Nicki Minaj learned nothing from the ‘Back to Back’ fiasco…


March 2, 2017

Question of the day:

Are there still Elvis is alive crazies out there? How sad will it be when they have to concede that he’s at least died of natural causes by now?


March 1, 2017

Fun facts:

Ludacris is an accomplished rapper, actor and entrepreneur but the most impactful thing he has done is make the word “ludicrous” virtually impossible to spell on the first attempt… Wait, that doesn’t look right…


February 28, 2017

Salute:

On this day in 1907, inventor and confectioner, Reginald Parchment, invented ‘Parchment’ Paper. To this day, no one knows what magic prevents this paper from catching fire in the oven and the impacts of Reggie’s dedication to the confectionery arts and to not having to wash a baking sheet remain relevant.


February 27, 2017

Pro tip:

Pick a fight with your significant other to start your day, then send him/her flowers or a gift in the middle of the day. Your day can only get better as it progresses and you’ve made a sound investment in special treats for later.


February 26, 2017

Age old truth:

Every man who must wear a tuxedo to his wedding is confronted with the same question regarding the choice to rent or buy: “How fancy of a life do I intend to lead?”


February 25, 2017

You have to:

Sometimes, when you have nothing else to do, you have to Google what Estelle Getty really looked like. You have to.


February 24, 2017

Life’s little wins:

There’s just something spiritually delicious about jaywalking past parents trying to teach their kids to only cross on green.


February 23, 2017

Normally I don’t do this but:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN (“MEGATRON”) MALTENFORT. On February 23, 1984 Meg emerged from her mother and looked at the doctor as if to say “you gonna clean this mess up?” Ever since the world has been a much tidier place. Love you boo.


February 22, 2017

You have to:

Sometimes, when you’re in Mexico with someone you love for a friend’s wedding, you have to dance for five hours with clinched buttocks because of Montezuma’s Revenge. You have to.


February 14, 2017

Wisdoms:

There are few things in a man’s life more invigorating than not having to pack a suit when you thought you needed to.


February 13, 2017

Grammy Buzz:

Adele could’ve stopped mid-performance and asked one show producer to murder another show producer and both would’ve obliged.

Grammys rule #1: You don’t say no to Adele.


February 12, 2017

Quote of the day:

“What’s the worst that could happen?” ~RNC


February 11, 2017

Alternative fact:

The original Spice Girls included a sixth member named Garam Masala, who was meant to represent the UK’s rich Indian population. Her insistence that the other ‘Girls’ be named after actual spices as well led to a tumultuous breakup, much to the dismay of her only real friend in the group: Ginger.


February 10, 2017

PSA:

Upgrade season is upon us. The holidays are over. Soon, Valentine’s day will come and go. Keep in mind: once the weather gets warm, she doesn’t really need you anymore. Be the best you and hope for the best.


February 9, 2017

PSA:

“Stop actin’ like a bitch” has been the leading cause of serious injury in the 13-24 year old male demographic since 1981.


February 8, 2017

Just a thought:

How much do we really know about this Valentine character? Perhaps we should consider making February 14th “Barry White’s Day.” We know what he was about…


February 7, 2017

Pro tip:

Ask for double meat on your next Chipotle order then tap your left shoulder twice with your right hand and say “jubilation” to the burrito craftsman.Trust me.


February 6, 2017

Did you know?

Around this time each year millions of Americans conduct a study to discover exactly how much dip is an irresponsible amount of dip for one person to consume. The following day is National Mudbutt Day.


February 5, 2017

Enjoy the game!

Heart: “Atlanta can win this thing.”

Head: “Bitch, please.”


February 4, 2017

Wisdoms:

Everyone at the airport is in a rush until it’s escalator season. That’s when you see the true warriors.


February 3, 2017

Quote of the day:

“I think I can fit two whole subs into this purse.” ~Professional badass, Lindsay Cronk, on next-level movie theater snacking.


February 2, 2017

PSA:

Go see the movie ‘Split’ before some asshole ruins it for you.


February 1, 2017

Salute:

On this day in 1851, German immigrant and notorious insomniac, T. Sebastian Kuhlfaus, discovered the other side of the pillow, curing many low-grade forms of insomnia. Kuhlfaus is posthumously awaiting Nobel recognition but sleeping very soundly.


January 31, 2017

Pro tip:

The simple “yo momma” jokes are often the most underrated and effective. If you say to someone “yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and made four quarters,” it’s obvious hyperbole. If you say “your mom is boring” he/she is really going to think about it for a minute.


January 30, 2017

Quote of the day:

“I’m a shamie dame! I’M A SHAMIE DAME!!” ~Pootie Tang


January 29, 2017

Salute:

On this day in 1822, culinary adventurists Sebastian Frankle and Jonathan “Beans” Beane ironically discovered the first ‘frank & beans’ plate at a barbecue in Sarasota, FL, when Beane stumbled and half of his namesake plate spilled into Frankle’s. Just that easily an American tradition was born.


January 28, 2017

Wisdoms:

There are two types of people in this world: The type who clog the toilet at a house party and plunge out the doo-doo, and the type who walk away.


January 27, 2017

Wisdoms:

One man’s “trash” is another man’s “that’s still trash, big guy.”


January 26, 2017

Question of the day:

Did they ever actually explicitly admit Scooby Snacks were laced with PCP or was that left to our assumptions?


January 25, 2017

Wisdoms:

When the first thing you hear when you get to work is “I know you just got here but…” it’s almost always followed by “let me try to ruin your morning as early as possible” or something to the same effect.


January 24, 2017

Wisdoms:

Love is like the feeling of putting pajamas on straight out of the dryer. Exactly like that.


January 23, 2017

Quote of the day:

“You gonna do something about these goddamn ants? ~William Wonka Sr.


January 22, 2017

Wisdoms:

Silence is beautiful. People are awkward.


January 21, 2017

Inspiration:

The key to happiness is giving up your guilty pleasures. Give up the guilt and all you have left is pleasures. Go be great.


January 20, 2017

Quote of the day:

Noted scientist, regarding sustainability in food consumption: “I really just wanted the hot dog flavored cornbread but didn’t want to be wasteful.” ~RJ Bullock (scientist)


January 19, 2017

Salute:

On this day in 1904, single father, Dr. Robert Pindegrass III invented a simple device to keep his daughter’s hair in place. To this day the “Bobby Pin” rescues millions of up-dos daily around the world.


January 18, 2017

Quote of the day:

“Bitch, I don’t give a fuck about no rain!” ~Benjamin Franklin (probably)


One thought on “The Daily Something

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