Let me just get this out of the way right now – I am not a climate change expert. I’m an expert on ice cream sandwiches and Seinfeld and awkward conversations and using the word “and” for dramatic effect when I should clearly be using a comma. That’s my journey. My wife, Megan Maltenfort, actually … Continue reading The roof is on fire: Why there’s no real debate on climate change
Humor
Stop being late to things
Several years ago, when I wasn’t quite sure of my identity as a writer, I posted an article about people being late all the time. In retrospect, it may have been overly harsh and could’ve hurt the feelings of some of the people I hold dear. Now, having the benefit of some much-needed self-discovery, I … Continue reading Stop being late to things
Keys to being a straight, single man
My fiancé is the best. She truly makes my life exponentially better; so when I tell you that locking that up for the rest of my life is the best decision I’ve ever made, I say so with complete confidence. However, a short time ago I was just like you – lost in the world, … Continue reading Keys to being a straight, single man
Making new friends as an adult
Some people enter every social situation like it’s a private party in their honor. For example, when my fiancé, Megan, or my brother, Bjorn, enter a room of strangers, they do so with gravitas and with purpose – scanning to determine in what order they will systematically speak to every goddamn person. I, on the … Continue reading Making new friends as an adult
Unisex keys to a successful relationship
Folks have the tendency to overcomplicate romantic relationships. Everyone’s personality is unique and therefore there are infinite combinations of ways for people to discover they hate each other. The lesson here is not to learn as much about your partner as you can – though you should definitely do that. The lesson isn’t to be … Continue reading Unisex keys to a successful relationship
Being taller than most
Consider the wording here: “taller than most” – not “gigantic” or “freakishly tall” or even “uncommonly tall.” Granted: at 6’5” I’m a very tall person… but that’s it. Very tall. Next topic please. No, I would not like to field six or seven more variants of the “how tall are you” question, thank you. No, … Continue reading Being taller than most
Review: Cilantro
No. Thank. You. Wait… let me back up to provide some historical context. Records of the usage and cultivation of cilantro date back to a time pre-Ancient Egypt but it was first brought to the British colonies of North America in the mid-1600s. Relatively large-scale commercial cultivation of cilantro coincided with the increasing popularity of … Continue reading Review: Cilantro
Precious children
Goddamn children. Insufferable children. Sometimes I wonder: “I used to be their age… Was I ever this terrible?” No – no I wasn’t. Sure, as young bosses my big brother, RJ, and I concocted our due share of tumult, but we always maintained an internal barometer for “ok you’re just being an asshole now” which … Continue reading Precious children
Review: Ice Cream Sandwiches
The ice cream sandwich: simple perfection. Invented in the 1960’s by noted Atlantic City treatsmith Tiberius “Scoops” Barnett, who pondered: “Tis wafer less noble a vessel? Tisn’t rectangle as worthy a shape?” Dissatisfied with the current progress in ice cream technologies, Scoops sought to take a bold step forward. Ever the opportunist, and somewhat the … Continue reading Review: Ice Cream Sandwiches
Walking behind old people
Firstly, bitch, thank you for tuning in to my pilot TIJ blog post and for allowing me to live out my lifelong dream of beginning a publication with “Firstly bitch.” Sassy black girl aspirations aside; my sincerest thanks to those of you who’ve laughed with and at me, thus granting the inspiration and confidence to … Continue reading Walking behind old people
