I have recently been made aware of a quirk of mine that I didn’t realize I had, during a chat with my friend, Colleen. Every year, I take a trip by myself to a city where I can explore, write and set my own agenda. I was telling her about this year’s trip to New Mexico and explaining that I planned to challenge myself (again) to be more social and extroverted, referencing a trip I took last year to Portland, ME, where I created a challenge list, geared toward just that. She wished me well and, during the course of the conversation, referenced “all of your lists,” which jarred me a little. I thought to myself “all of what lists?” Taking a moment to consider it, I recalled telling her about my date night challenges with my wife, Megan, which led me to think about the scavenger hunt I created to spice up a party she and I went to. “Hmm,” I thought… “I am a list-maker.” So, thanks to Colleen for that revelation and for the title of this blog.

I am introverted, occasionally anti-social and love mental tangents. Conclude what you will from that info. If I’m psychoanalyzing myself, I’d say that I make lists to create consumable fragments of an intimidatingly large macro-environment. I also have a tough time with small talk, and the lists help create micro-situations to react to instead of the typical banter. Finally, I find the lists are a positive mental health exercise, the side-effects of which sometimes yield more enriching experiences and interactions. Let me show you what I mean.

Date-Night Challenges

Megan is full of meaningful chatter, current event news, family updates (of which I should already be aware) and colorful opinions, not to mention the fact that we’re raising a child together. That is to say, there is no real threat of meaningless small talk or awkward silence between us – there are enough interesting things to chat about and most silences we happen upon are precious, considering most of our time together is spent in the presence of our five-year-old daughter, Ivy (who also happens to have some colorful opinions). My point is that this particular list is more about keeping things interesting than it is about navigating an uncomfortable social situation.

Not to brag, but I am a genius. Almost everyone whom I explain this to tells me so or implies it with their thinly veiled, understated praise of: “that’s a pretty good idea,” or “I might try that sometime.” Grow up and say what you mean: that I’m basically a date-night savant. Before every dinner date, I make a list of nine challenges for us to complete. They range from minimal and satisfying to really stepping out of the comfort zone. We typically complete 50-75% of the list and roll the uncompleted challenges to the next list.

Some past challenge examples include:

• Say the word “scrumptious” three times to the same server over the course of the meal. (This turned out to be hilarious and one of our favorite challenges)
• Eat dinner in reverse: dessert, entrée, then appetizer
• Exchange an article of clothing during the meal
• Weirdly compliment the server

Before the challenge era, Megan and I always found our way to the realm of thought-provoking discussion, so our dates have always been enjoyable, enriching and substantive, but the challenges have made them more fun for sure. Belly laughs have increased by 400%. The cheersing rate has ballooned to over 3.4 cheerses per meal. My stock among Megan’s girlfriends is at an all-time high, though potentially at an all-time low among Megan’s girlfriends’ husbands. Most importantly, Megan and I get a chance to be friends during our dates. We are always a married couple, always co-parents and co-navigators of our household to-do lists. That doesn’t leave a ton of time to actively enjoy our friendship, but the moments of genuine joy these challenges have provided have been priceless. Please try this out in your relationships, then, when folks are super-impressed and ask you where you came up with the idea, just say “Marques is a genius.” I won’t hear you, but somehow, I’ll know.  

Scavenger Hunts

Now, this one – this spawned from my brain proactively protecting me from prolonged bouts of socializing. Every year, Megan and I attend a local charity event in our town called The Snowball Gala. You don’t need to know the particulars of it, other than it’s a big dress-up party with dancing, food, booze and chatter. It’s a lot of fun but can also be overwhelming for someone like me. One year, I had the idea to keep my eye out for certain scenarios which recur at the gala and other gatherings of that nature. I promise it was not a consciously contrived distraction, but I also promise that it absolutely was a subconsciously contrived distraction.

My subconscious: “Hey, Brain.”

My brain: “Yeah, what up?”

My subconscious: “Hey, yeah, wouldn’t it be cool if, at any point during a party, you had a valid excuse to end a conversation and walk away to explore by yourself?”

My brain: “You mean like a dog who sees a squirrel and chases it no matter what else is currently happening? Like, abruptly shutting down communication with a person or group of persons to pursue some side-quest?”

My subconscious: “Yeah, pretty much.”

My brain: “Say less.”

The twist here is that Megan, being the social butterfly, she is, passed this idea throughout our group of friends and they were all onboard with it. Leave it to her to turn my selfishness into something that brings people together. Rude.

Anyway, if you’re interested, here are a few of the scavenger hunt items I came up with for this event:

• I’m too sexy for this gala (inappropriately sexy outfit)
• Sloppy papi (drunkest male)
• Sloppy Sally (drunkest female)
• A spill of any kind (person or drink)
• The Underdog (WAY under-dressed for a gala)
• Fancy meeting you here (run into someone unexpected)

I have to admit, it was fun doing this as a group (though I certainly undertook several solo-quests), so if you and your friends are so-inclined, it’s a good way to add an additional layer of fun to an event like this.

Spirit Quests/Introvert Challenges

My solo adventures, which I am now calling “spirit quests,” are a product of and testament to how the proper arrangement of words can make or break your argument. Had I said to Megan, “once per year I want to leave you and Ivy behind and spend money to travel and do my own thing for a while,” it likely would have yielded a different result than, “I think we should both take a trip, once per year, without each other and Ivy, just to get a mental break,” or however I phrased it. Whatever I said worked to both of our benefits. Not surprisingly, Megan typically travels with a group of friends, and I typically travel by myself. These solo trips of mine are becoming a balance between maintaining my individuality and pushing the limits of my extroversion (or lack thereof).

I saved this section of the blog to write while I was on this year’s spirit quest in Santa Fe, NM. It has been a rough start due to a canceled flight and the waste of half a day as a result, but I am ever an optimist. So, here I sit in a coffee shop with two full days of whatever I choose still ahead of me. As unscripted as I tend to intentionally keep these trips, there are two clear goals: 1. Recharge my battery, and 2. Push myself out of my social comfort zone.

Part one is easy and I have become extremely good at it. I place high value on spending time alone and recognizing the distinction between who I am and who I have to be. Who I have to be is related to the responsibilities I carry as a husband, father, son, employee, etc. I am not diminishing those aspects at all as they are all enriching in their own ways. The distinction I keep present in mind is that I am also the person who exists outside of those responsibilities. Not to be overly spiritual, but when those are stripped away it allows my brain direct access to my own thoughts and the essence of who I am as an individual – to my spirit. It is in these moments when I allow myself to be motivated by the things that drive me in my core. I gain clarity and access to an avenue of contentment which doesn’t exist in the normal day-to-day. That’s the recharge. That is what these spirit quests allow me to draw from at a much higher rate than is typical, and that ultimately allows me to return as a better husband, father, son, etc.

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone is where my lists come back into play. Honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing that I have to do this. I create a checklist of social tasks to complete, mostly to make sure I’m not literally or mentally hiding in a corner the whole time – to make sure I’m engaging the local culture to get the true experience in a new environment.

Some examples include:

• Start a conversation with a stranger
• Do a good deed
• Ask for a recommendation
• Give a compliment

Listen; I know. These are the most basic of social functions for many of you and you are within your right to laugh at the fact that these are “challenges” for me. Others of you who know me are saying, “aww you’re so nice, Marques. I don’t find you socially lacking at all.” Mind your business, you. You are the patient few who have persevered against all odds to become trusted friends and thus are biased. What I know is that I have a list full of unchecked boxes to work on over the next couple of days and it gives me a mild and healthy level of anxiety about undertaking them. It’ll be worth the anxiety when I experience the sad sense of pride from accomplishing what are routine interactions for most humans. Just let me have this.

Analysis

An unexpected benefit of all this list-making has been actually remembering some things – still not much but some! Ask Megan and she’ll tell you that “he doesn’t remember ANYTHING.” She’s rather inclined toward hyperbole but I have to admit that this particular proclamation is pretty damned close to true. My ability to retain important memories and details has been sacrificed to make room for my keen ability to identify celebrities by the sounds of their voices alone. But something about these lists creates an anchor in my memory, allowing me to recall about 50% of what an average 3-year-old child remembers – so… progress.

The greater benefit, however, has been the creation of more enriching experiences and becoming an active advocate for my own mental health. As I am not a mental health professional, there is a fair chance I’m screwing this up, but these endeavors have made my brain and heart happy in the short term so let’s keep rolling the dice, shall we?

If you are still here with me, bless you. This has already been longer and much more introspective than I intended it to be, and this isn’t quite the end (though we’re close, I promise). I have said most of what there is to be said about the mental health benefits of solitude (for me personally), but to add some context: I watched my stepdad pass away the day before this trip to Santa Fe. Many people would have chosen to cancel their trip and I did consider it. However, for me, casting off alone was the best way to begin healing. Of course, thoughts of him have weighed heavily on me during my time here, but the lack of obligation has allowed me to mourn at my own pace. The thoughts and prayers of my loved ones have helped lift my spirits and I can still feel the hug my wife gave me before I left. I’ve used those sentiments as anesthesia throughout my trip, which has allowed me to truly enjoy it and, I hope, give me the strength I’ll need to be whatever support my family needs in their own mourning when I get home. Thank you everyone for the love and thanks to my Pop for too many things to recount here. I love you. Rest easy.

In terms of my social activity, I’ve come to realize that I always benefit from pushing my limits. I find even awkward or negative interactions live in a positive space in my brain – those are the best stories actually. So, as much as I do and will always covet my alone time, I know that I can’t deprive myself of opportunities to become more interesting, especially as a storyteller. Also, anxiety only exists before the action. So, when I’m metaphorically and quite literally pacing back and forth in front of a bar I’m interested in going into, I have to remind myself of that to reduce the number of paces before I tell myself to “stop being weird and just go in.” Continuing to consult my challenge list throughout my quest created a sense of accountability which is like kryptonite to a rule-follower like me. By the end of the trip – forcing myself to get those reps in – I found myself being downright friendly… ish. So, anything is possible.