After all of the subjects that I’ve tackled in this blog, I’ve finally been defeated. I managed to find humor in everything from cilantro to racism (or at least they were funny to me). But this one is decidedly and almost completely un-funny. I kept writing and writing, figuring that the humor would come organically as it always does, but it never did. Something about the topic of mental health put me in a strange mood – contemplative in a way that didn’t allow me to approach the topic with much humor. I’m posting it anyway because it was really cathartic for me to write. But if you came here for the funny, this might not be the one for you. That’s my journey. So, here goes.

I do not have the expertise or certification to assess, diagnose or treat anyone’s mental health – not even my own. Well… expertise is a murky one. I have been listening to my own thoughts and, from them, assessing my mental health for 40 years. So, while I don’t know any of the terminology, I do feel that I have an expert’s grasp on my own thoughts if anyone does. I also consider myself to be very mentally fit. Here’s where terminology fails me. “Mentally fit” is such a nebulous phrase. I don’t mean that I have some sort of uncommon intelligence – I’m the guy who ordered a “nik-oh-eese” (nicoise) salad at Salad Works a few years ago, which still haunts me to this day. What I mean is that I feel extremely well equipped to handle life’s challenges while maintaining a healthy overall outlook.
From conversations I’ve had with friends and colleagues seeking advice, I’m convinced of the value of sharing perspectives on our mental health journeys – if not to provide someone else with new coping tools they may have not considered before, then simply to provide the solidarity in the context that we all have battles to fight. So here is some context of my own, which I hope finds someone who needs it.

Confronting and accepting self-consciousness
The biggest hurdle I’ve overcome on my mental health journey has been self-consciousness relating to my appearance, which plagued me through high school, college and into my 20s. Actually, it started before high school – I have very poor vision and have always worn very thick glasses, which I was teased about as a kid. I carried that into high school where my height to weight ratio produced a gangly-ness resembling Jack from A Nightmare Before Christmas (the over-bite didn’t help matters either), then into college, when the years of being down on myself culminated into a general feeling of low self-worth.
Moving away from home after college was something of a “restart button” for me. I put on 20lbs of muscle by going to the gym every day and my self-image started to change. I didn’t realize it until years later but that change was as much (or more) about my mentality as it was about my outward appearance. What I realized was that, even with the extra bulk, I still didn’t feel great about myself. I realized that no amount of muscle, or straight teeth, or thinness of lens would repair the image in my head. I needed to confront those feelings and accept what I couldn’t change. It was more of a passive undertaking than an active one. I branched out and met new friends on my own (no small feat for me as an introvert) and started to realize, through those connections, that others found value in me, regardless of how I felt about myself. In that way, those perceived physical barriers didn’t matter much and retreated far into my subconscious. Today, I feel like a relatively confident person. The realization was that there had always been value in me. I have friendships I’ve maintained for over 30 years at this point and family who love me unconditionally. I just had to take a path that would allow me to put those pieces together.

Mental health in the workplace
Finding balance in the workplace can be complex. The path begins with whether or not you like your job, and progresses through the people you have to work with, then bridges to whether or not you have a healthy work/life balance. Further complicating the matter is that some of these things can be influenced and some cannot (short of quitting your job). If you absolutely despise your job and hate the folks you work with, I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can say that is going to help. You need to find a new job asap. However, if the environment is at least reasonably positive, I think mental wellness in the workplace becomes a lot about moderating.
I’m lucky. I feel productive in my job and find it rewarding when I do well. I also really enjoy being around the people I work with. That said, work can still really beat me down sometimes, especially when I find myself working a lot of long hours. What has worked for me has been periodic checks of my internal sanity meter. I ask myself if work is impacting my mood at home, my physical fitness, my level of exhaustion, etc. If those measures are creating an unhealthy mental state for me, I schedule a mental health day for myself. There’s no set format for them – I just take a PTO day and do stuff I feel like doing. As long as it doesn’t involve work, it’s fair game. It’s my way of moderating and releasing the pressure valve.
Another factor at play is whether you can find actual fulfillment in your job. I’ve always admired my wife for being passionate about her career in sustainability. Her job reflects her core values and makes for an environment in which her corporate success runs almost parallel to her sense of personal achievement. I’ve discovered a glimpse of that just recently. I’m pretty good at my job and have 20 years of experience in it, but have never been passionate to my core about it. However, recently, I’ve become involved in a program which allows me to help positively influence the work environment for others. In planning for this project, I suddenly perceived this weird internal flourish that felt sort of like tiny fireworks in my soul. I paused for a moment and thought “…wait… Am I passionate about this?” And I think the answer is yes! So much so that I’m looking forward to the extra work it’s going to put onto my plate. Now I just have to figure out how to make sure this other stuff (my actual job) doesn’t get in the way.

Suppressing emotions and exercising demons
My wife, Megan, and I are compatible in so many ways that make our love and parent-partnership very strong. We’re also very much opposite in many ways. I admire her for her drive and task-oriented immediacy. It’s part of what makes her so successful in pursuing her career passions. Oh, if only she could admire the same things in me. Sure, I get stuff done, but I often take the scenic route in doing so.
Here’s an example of Megan and I completing the same task of bringing the laundry up from the basement:

• Megan: Goes to basement – puts dry laundry in basket – takes laundry to second floor – dumps it onto bed to be taken care of in 3-5 business days.
• Me: Goes to basement – puts dry laundry in basket – brings it to the first floor – gets thirsty, puts down basket and gets a Spindrift from the fridge – realizes he has pretzels in the pantry – leaves fridge door open to get pretzels – forgets fridge door is open and takes basket to second floor – sets basket down in guest room – uses bathroom – uses time in bathroom to write the outline for this blog – remembers that he had a Spindrift and goes to first floor to get it – Megan sees laundry in basket just sitting there mocking her and yells “YOU REALIZE YOU JUST LEFT THE BASKET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR AND EVERYTHING IS RUINED NOW AND WE’RE DIVORCED!” – says “ok” and retrieves basket – dumps it on bed to be taken care of in 3-5 business days – Megan sees fridge door is open and yells “ARE YOU ACTUALLY INSANE!?” – Hugs wife and it’s ok now.

Here’s the thing though: that type of mentality is, in some ways, the engine for some of the things she loves about me. I’m generally unbothered by many things that would bother others. I have an “I’m not sweating it” type of attitude, even about some things that are very important. I know in my own mind that future-Marques is going to get it handled (often on a timeline that is incompatible with the Megan timeline – to my own peril). However, since Megan doesn’t have access to those thoughts, that absence of productivity drives her absolutely coo-coo-bananas (to use her terminology). However, that is the very mindset which facilitates my calm demeanor and allows me to be patient in moments of distress and clear-minded when I most need to be – some of the things that Megan admires in me. It also allows me to completely clear my mind at night and fall asleep in under five minutes (which Megan hates/covets). I’m not the type of person that you’ll find fretting about discovering I paid $5 too much for something that was supposed to be on sale. Megan will 100% march back to that store and get her $5. I, however, will mentally throw my hands up in an oh well fashion and think to myself that God or Science willed it, content in the knowledge that Karma will bring it back to me somehow. I call these moments peace-of-mind investments. Megan is $5 richer and I am $5 calmer.
This all speaks to the broader state of existence I operate within. I think the common thought is that you absolutely have to express your emotions or one day all of those bottled-up feelings will bubble over – the assertion being that unemotive is unhealthy. I reject that. Everyone has emotions, of course, and I choose not to share mine most of the time. I process and analyze, keeping most of the outputs in-house. At the same time, I don’t think I have a smoldering rage strengthening within me – I feel super content in most aspects of my life. The issue is the word express. I don’t express my emotions by yelling or crying or even talking about them. I tamp each granule into an espresso filter until it’s full to the brim and press my thoughts through them to produce a rich cup of mental purge, discarding the moist puck of granules… that got gross at the end but you know what I’m saying. I process my feelings my own way. I write or lay down in my favorite room and watch the rain dampening my neighborhood. I play basketball or go to the movies by myself or some other endeavor of pure joy. I take me-time to process or simply release what’s on my mind and I emerge at peace with it.
Can I get abstract for a minute? Ok I’m gonna. I may be biased toward my introverted perspective but I don’t think many of us spend enough time being our true selves. We have to maintain relationships. We have to parent. We have to collaborate to perform in the workplace. None of those are inherently negative things – that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that we spend so little time alone. So much of who we have to be comes in the context of who we are to others. We don’t often enough allow our core motivations to steer the ship. My four-year-old daughter has taught me a lot. While it’s frustrating to me when she doesn’t listen, I know that she’s operating based on instinct a lot more than I am, as a child will do. And she has it right in some ways. In becoming a father and being stressed to a point I hadn’t previously achieved, I’ve prioritized reserving some alone-time each week, even as time has become a scarcer commodity. And while my impulses no longer lean toward untethered chaos, as Ivy’s often do, my little girl has influenced me to make finding Zen part of my routine rather than an occasion. It goes a long way in maintaining a healthy and positive outlook.

Finding what makes you happy
What makes me happy? My wife’s love, my daughter’s spirt, my family and friends. Blah, blah, blah. Ok? I love you. There’s your shout out. This isn’t about you. This is about writing.
Listen, I’ve had some turbulence in my family, as most of us have, but when you distill it down to its essence, I have been fortunate to have been a very loved individual for all of my life. So, that has been a given. I didn’t know there was another level of fulfillment to achieve until I discovered creative writing. It combines so many of the things I love: coffee, being alone, imagination, the creative process, etc. I’ve become more open about this passion recently and have had more conversations about why I find writing so fulfilling. I always come back to the feeling of creating something that didn’t exist before. Everything is derivative in a way, but when you put your thoughts on a page (or canvass or whatever is your instrument), they’ve emerged through the filter of your specific experience and you’ve arranged them in a way that speaks to your unique perspective. You find ways to express things in a manner that is reflective of you, even when the subject-matter isn’t. When I write, it allows me to (forces me to) take my consciousness somewhere else and leave reality behind for a while. Then, when I return, I’ve created something that wasn’t there before, even when it turns out to be garbage. The bursts of joy come, when a character I’ve created surprises me and does something I didn’t expect them to – genuine moments of near-sentience. Or, even when I write a good paragraph, sentence, phrase, or just choose the perfect word. It’s exhilarating.
Dang. I’m ranting. That was a rant. Sorry about that. Here’s the point. You need to find that in your life and nourish it. Writing will most likely never become a career for me. I know that. But, it is so important for me to have found it – even in middle-age. Some folks find that thing early in life and have the benefit/good-fortune of applying it to a career path, but if you aren’t one of those people, it doesn’t mean that you can just ignore/discard that which brings you joy and passion. The time investment doesn’t have to be about a monetary return. There are mental-health returns in exploring your passions. Time is often the enemy. There’s just so much that needs to be done every day, you think: I’ll never have time for it. I certainly feel that way. But, there’s often a way (see my blog The art of “no” for additional tips). For me, it was about putting time on the calendar and having honest conversations with my wife about why it’s important to me. It has also been about getting up at 5am on a Saturday and being a zombie by 9:30pm sometimes. You pick and choose what works for you. Just don’t give up on your own happiness.