I must admit that, for some reason, I was wary of a burger from Haddon Culinary (HC) prior to having it for the first time. Sure, HC is a chef-inspired specialty food market which has satisfied my taste buds on many occasions with a broad range of delights from soup to sandwich and around the corner to the dessert case, but that doesn’t mean they can make a delicious burger – no, sir or ma’am. To me, there was the distinct possibility that HC was indeed too posh to produce a burger that truly satisfied. Of course, it would taste good, but perhaps in a ‘with a cup-o-tea on the side’ sort of way, if you understand my meaning. And I don’t want no tea with my burger.

I’m not a food critic, so I can’t tell you that, upon the first bite, the ground beef blend had just the right fat percentage to yield the mouthfeel and umami to properly dance with the sharpness of the cheddar. Nah, I can’t tell you that at all. What I am is a fellow who loves burgers. What I can do is write a review that is more useful to most people than what a professional food critic can write. What I can tell you is that the Haddon Ave Smash Burger is one of the best burgers I have ever eaten (perhaps the best). What I can tell you is that it is a legit burger – no pinky-up frilly nonsense. Nope, you’re going to need all of those digits wrapped around this beauty, lest it get the better of you.

This burger needs no hyperbole whatsoever but hyperbole is kind of my thing so I’m going to do it anyway. The flavor of the Haddon Ave Smash Burger is that of the unrealized kiss from your high school crush. The aroma is the mildly sweet comfort of perfume left traced on your mother’s sweater as she hugs you tight, just when you needed it the most. It leaves you satisfied in the vein of finishing your first novel, or dunking a basketball for the first time.

Ok, that last one was a stretch but the others were totally in the realm. Here’s the description of the burger which I took a picture of at the kiosk:

I’m not sure how it ends and I’m not looking it up on the website but I finished it myself:

“…wn Pickles and just enough sauce to let you know we’ve thought of everything, but not enough to get in the way. The bun?.. yes, it’s brioche. We told you; we’re not messing around. Sorry, did we say ‘burnt ends?’ We meant to say ‘crispy bits of absolute f**king bliss.’ Oh, and we also put a little extra black pepper in the rub we dusted the brisket with, just to keep things interesting. We know you stopped reading at the first mention of ‘brisket’ so we can put whatever we want here at this point. Go Birds! Byeeee.”

In summary, don’t be fooled into thinking you’re going to get some tea-sandwichy, Kobe beef micro-slider. You are going to get exactly what is in the description and that is beef on beef on beef, cooked to perfection with the crown jewel of cheese on top and just the right accoutrements. You are going to get a majestic burgering experience. You are going to get satisfied.

10 out of 10