Why you shouldn’t vote

Allow me to be crystal clear about my personal opinion: EVERYONE WHO IS ELIGIBLE TO VOTE SHOULD VOTE. Vote early, Vote in person, if you can. If you can’t vote in person, mail in your ballot and your vote will be counted – just don’t wait until the last minute. If you have trouble following directions or are confused by the multi-envelope system, give me a call and I will help you through it. Got me?… You should absolutely, positively, 100%, exercise your right to influence the leadership of the country in which you live.

…however, there are those who’d prefer that you didn’t vote and those who think voting is non-essential, and to be fair, those perspectives deserve to be heard as well. As an amateur, untrained, hobbyist, pseudo-journalist, I have the utmost integrity as it pertains to the established principles of fair journalism. It’s my duty to be unbiased in this, my personal opinion blog. And, as such, in an attempt to represent the marginalized, minority perspective on the matter, I’d like to attempt to channel some perspectives I believe to be behind voter suppression advocacy.

We’re doing great!

Have you looked around lately? Have you seen what this country has become? The collective spirit, the distribution of wealth, the general health of the American people – we are absolutely kicking nuts! People have never been happier. Listen, deep down we all just want to avoid each other and hide from contagions. So, you’re welcome. If nobody votes for anyone, things will just stay the same and that’s really what you want. You want the 1% of people who control the most money to determine what’s fair for the 80% in the middle or lower class. They’re richer, they’re smarter, they know what’s best for you and they deserve it – you don’t. Think about it; what have you ever done that’s so great? Stay in your lane. 

Ok, so 220,000 people are dead from COVID-19 under the watch of the current regime but is that more or less than ten-billionty? I rest my case. You’re welcome. Sure, the president is holding the next wave of stimulus checks hostage until after the election but so what? Do you get to watch football on Sundays? Ok, then stfu. Everything is awesome. You know it. I know it. No need to change a thing.

People of color have the same opportunity as whites.

Pay no attention to the overwhelming majority of political powers in the history of the planet; those with power and wealth are more than happy to give up power and wealth to strengthen the oppressed classes. They are aware that their wealth and power was begotten systemically, stemming from slave labor, stolen land, biased governing, etc. and to that they say, “My bad… Sorry about that.” But they’ve made amends! We’re all equal now. Aren’t you glad that oppression stuff is over? A vote in 2020 is a vote for disrupting all the great progress that has been made toward equality during the Trump administration.

Body cameras? Cell phone footage? Pfft – baloney. Are you going to listen to your president or are you going to listen to your own eyes? Eyes don’t have ears, so you can’t listen to them. Don’t be ridiculous. The fact of the matter is, if a police officer tells you to jump, you jump. If he tells you you’re resisting arrest, you’re resisting arrest. If you look like someone who might have done something bad, you did that shit. Prepare to die. If you just adhere to those rules, nobody gets hurt probably maybe… definitely not the cop… but maybe you if you look like you did it, which you probably did. See? Simple. What’s there to “reform.”

As far as wealth goes, people of color just need to work harder. Minorites have the same opportunity as whites to get high paying jobs. Minorities have the same access as whites to quality education and there is no statistical difference between the rate at which whites and minorities get comparable jobs, given the same level of education/experience. Don’t look it up. Do not. Please do not look it up. Just trust that the status quo is the equitable quo.

Women can’t be trusted to make tough decisions about their bodies.

Separation of church and state is cool and all but sometimes you just have to “live and let God” – specifically, white-American-republican-Jesus. Let him. You absolutely have the freedom to worship as you choose but if you’re going to live in this country you have to follow the letter of Christian law which states that if you get pregnant, you have no say in what happens from there. Just let the government handle everything. Why vote and risk disrupting this tremendous path we’re on?

Also, hormones… am I right? Don’t make this weird. This is about everyone’s best interest and women require a government mostly comprised of men to dictate to them what’s in their best interests. Allow me to mansplain explain: When a woman is pregnant, she has these things called hormones which implode into her body from her vagina. These hormones cause her to act irrationally, most often leading to the compulsion to murder babies, behave erratically and act all whiny and stuff. Conversely, men have no hormones. Men have penises, which continuously emit controlled levels of rationality and expertise and intelligence.

Let’s be rational about this. Who do you think should be making the decisions about pregnant women’s babies, the (hormonal) women themselves, or the penises of American government? We really need to listen to science on this one.

Science is dumb.

 The earth is going to be fine. Man-made global warming is a hoax – so says several non-experts with financial gains to be made in fracking and coal and awesome stuff like that. Science “experts” would have you believe that California is still on fire, with record-setting wildfires consuming millions of acres of land, destroying homes and killing people. They’d have you believe that this is somehow linked to record heat and dry conditions in California. They’d have you believe that this is becoming a trend, pointing to such drivel as this article (The roof is on fire: Why there’s no real debate on climate change), published earlier this same year. Have you personally seen the fires? If not, then how do you know it’s not fake news? If so, then you probably live in California and you know that it’s always hot so what’s the big deal, right?

Listen, who are these scientists and why should we trust them? What type of person would devote his/her life to gathering facts to prove or disprove a singular idea? Is that the type of person you think you can trust? Isn’t it more likely that facts are not as trustworthy as they’re made out to be and that science’s real goal is to steal coal jobs from Americans? We need an administration that will continue to ignore facts and for that reason, everyone needs to stay home on November 3rd.

Face it, you love being disrespected.

Let’s just go ahead and boil this down to the bone, shall we? Let’s get psychological. At your core, you love being disrespected. You’re a dirty boy or girl who just wants an authority figure to tell you you’re worthless as a person. You get off on it. You want a leader so narrowly dedicated to his base that he’s unable to publicly decry white supremacists until grilled about it weeks later – who, looks at the murders of unarmed black people at the hands of law enforcement and sees no reason for police reform. As a minority, you love being worth less than the majority. And the impoverished want to stay that way. You want laws to help the richest Americans first so you can get that sweet, sweet trickle-down paper – just enough to keep you afloat/not enough to empower you. Ladies… can I call you ladies? You want need a strong, burnt-sienna, manly man to tell you how to behave and protect you from yourself. You don’t want as much money or power, or as many rights as him because you know your place and that place makes you happy. Immigrants, LGBTQ+ individuals, disabled folks, veterans, and so on; you all love being politically spat upon your face.

All this can be yours by simply doing nothing. On November 3rd, just close the blinds, turn on FOX News for the scoop, and cruise into the next four years of bliss. What’s the worst that could happen?

If any of the above touched a nerve, made you sad or angry, made you laugh… well, good. It was supposed to do all of those things. Most of all, I hope my presentation of the reasons to not vote inspires or reminds someone of the importance of this election. The truth is, as ridiculous as much of what is written here seems, none of it is outside the realm of what some people in power actually believe (in some instances very publicly). If you are an individual who feels marginalized in some way, I understand the tendency to think your vote doesn’t matter, but, if that were true, there would be no reason for the sitting administration to put so much effort into trying to stop you from doing so. Your voices are, in fact, the most influential. Make them heard!

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